18.23 Thulium carbonicum provingProving by Sarah Hemesley triturating
Thulium carbonicum to 3C on 8 June 2004.
Venus was visible transiting the sun.
(Before I left work for tonight, my son’s friend’s mum arrived on the doorstep in tears, having trouble with her partner who is a very dominant and possessive man but she eventually went off with him and couldn't stand up to him)
(We had trouble with the alarm when we went into the Pharmacy to do this tonight. I didn't do it properly so the alarm went off and several people alerted. Had to make sure the police weren’t alerted as it was only a false alarm. Had to sort that out before we started making the remedy)
1CFirst third.
Toothache (like neuralgic pain), bottom right molars. Extending to upper right and leaving lower molars, then back again.
How do I define myself?Who should I model myself on?
Twinging pain in heart area.Frontal lobe headache. Dizzy (both of us at the same time)
Brow chakra being activated.Tickly cough.
Where are my boundaries? How wide are they?
Trickle of irritation going down back of my throat.
Inner vision and outer vision drawing together, but separate at the moment.
Lips burning slightly.
Anger coming up. Where do I direct it?
All my own frustrations, levelled at my child.
If I am angry and domineering, you don’t see how pathetic I am underneath.
Feel like I want to scrape the face clear again and start again.
Burning in throat. Left earache.
My life restricts me; it doesn't enable me to express myself.
2nd thirdSeems too hard, too much effort.
Aggressive anger, want to smash through, release it but know I will then feel despair and hopelessness, no further forward.
Everything is too big.
I don’t know who I am in relation to other things.
Feels like I am in a wilderness and everything hurts.
Everything is on edge.
Spiralling inside my brow, falling like Alice in Wonderland.
Earth to earth, dust to dust. All I am worth is dust = not worth anything. Not worthless, have not lost it but never had it to begin with.
I am like a small, glowing fluffy ball held in the hands of my parents’ souls (not their physical beings). I feel totally loved and warm and glowing and my parents are totally loving, this is BEFORE we embark on our incarnation together and take on the karma we have chosen to work through with each other.
Want someone to blame but cannot find anybody. Want you to feel like I do, like shit, then maybe I will not feel so bad about myself.
3rd thirdLucifer; The Fallen Angel. But why do people think so badly of me? All I have done is come to earth and I just want to find an identity, whatever that means!
Left side throat is burning.
Blackness means I cannot see anything or be distracted, therefore I have to look at myself.
Like running in the sand; running just to stand still. Hopeless, useless. Hysterical.
I feel drugged, like a pathetic puppet on a continuous conveyor belt.
If I am the Fallen Angel, does that mean it is bad to be anything else but Godly?
If I am not like you does that mean I am not Godly and therefore am I bad? The WHOLE religious question and control and suppression.
Have difficulty drawing in all the particles of all the components that make up me. Don’t even know some of them, do not recognise several of them, is that really me?
Feel woolly-headed; unsure; cannot make sense of it, no-one to help me but no expectation of that anyway. What would I ask them anyway?
Alone with it. Have to go it alone it seems.
Nothing ends, everything carries on, hopeless pain, should be someone to help, wicked and cruel that there isn't anyone, no light at the end of the tunnel, huge expanse of nothing, I am angry that no-one can help.
As if a joke, as if someone is just watching.
Futility and impotence, but no rest.
Not even aware of how it started or how I got on that path.
It is a world that other people don’t share, isolated.
2C1st third
Who should we model ourselves on? Which facet of myself should I stand and stare through?
So much unknowing, I don’t know where or who to turn to.
It is funny that we fall to earth and take on attachments and then we spend our lives getting rid of, or healing, those attachments to leave us free again.
From nothing do we start and to nothing do we finish. But at least in finishing, I do not have such a need to question everything. So finishing and non-attachment is about acceptance. Whereas, with this remedy, at this stage, I am questioning and questioning but don’t really know what I want to ask.
Stages of Life, 0-7yrs, 7-14yrs, 14-21yrs. 3 x 7 = 21. 2+1 = 3. The numbers 3 and 7. 3+7 = 10 = 1. The ’I’, alone again (naturally!).
Continual expansion but how can something so vast keep expanding; feeling more and more isolated and lost.
Perpetual motion, no point, no hope, no boundaries, no contours, no end, no answers.
Nothing seems to be part of anything else.
I feel I am in what I am in but I don’t understand what it is.
Overwhelming and exhausting feeling. I don’t know why I cannot find anyone else to be part of it, to be in it or to blame.
My temples hurt, like 2 inward spiralling, pressing sensations on them, makes me want to close my eyes and follow it inwards.
2nd thirdHeartache, literally.
Image of my form beginning to emerge (bit like coming out of something like a chrysalis), but every time I poke up, I get bonked on the head by a hard, masculine hand which sets me back a little each time, and I cannot work out whether this hand is suppressing and repressing me or shaping me like a potter shapes a pot. I guess it is shaping me anyway, whatever I think. This is then my experience of the outside world.
Wobbly, no structure, no shape.Where are the boundaries?
Somebody watching me, like a puppet-master pulling my strings, making me do things that I don’t want to do. Feels cruel, unfair, makes me angry because I am stuck.
Still powerless, no control over what happens to me, it is like being dictated to or run by somebody, the puppet-master.
He is in control of everything. He can make my anything he wants to, from a blob to whatever.
Even pointless being angry, cannot do anything with it.
This puppet-master only has a head, great big head, up above me. Big and black.
3rd thirdReminds me of a dream or experience I had a few years ago where I woke up in the night and felt and saw a big, black, evil being (male) coming over me and I called out to him in my mind, ‘I believe in God.’ But this was not enough to stop him and what I said to him then was, ‘I AM God’ and then he vanished.
It also reminds me of dreams and nightmares I used to have as a very young child of the ‘Sandman’. He was a black, tall, thin figure with a black jacket, black top hat and a cloak, and he would come in my window and sit on my windowsill watching me.
The puppet-master head looks like Bin Laden (beard etc) and everywhere I go he is directly above me. A wind is dwelling and howling, does not affect him but it blows me around and he slaps me around. Nowhere to go because he is always there above me, always around, laughing at me. Every time he hits me, I change shape, depending on where the blow is struck.
Nothing else there except his head, so nobody can touch him.
God, the angry, judging Father, judging how much we have sinned.
Fear of retribution, consequences, being damned, in the eyes of the religious.
Teaches me to look at others, consider others, compare myself to others so I can see myself. Illustrates the value of going to see therapists.
3C
1st third, 10.6.04 ll. 10 pm.
Anguished, feel disgruntled.
Want to stretch my limbs and break out of this state, my psyche, my form, no-one else’s but MINE.
Want to stand strong and upright in my OWN form, no-one else’s.
Want to stand straight, and not cower, waiting for the blows, constantly looking over my shoulder at who is following me, at who is taunting me.
I am standing tall and straight, I bring my sacral, solar plexus and throat chakras back into line, rather than them being weakened by bulging out backwards.
Therefore, my creativity, my emotional body and my self-expression are more powerful and better balanced.
I seek to find my own voice, I seek to find my own expression in life, and the JOY that accompanies that!
2nd thirdStill just glancing over my shoulder, just checking.
Aware of God/the black masculine figure/puppet-master, watching me. But he is in the distance and he is still.
I am glancing back at him, checking for slight reassurance, is this OK? Am I OK? Is he going to suddenly start following me again?
So now what? I have fought for my identity, but now what?
I had ‘Him’ to fight against before so now what? Where am I going? What do I want?
All these questions again.
Should I go back to ‘Him’? Would that be easier? It would certainly be familiar.
I am in DANGER here of repeating abusive patterns that are familiar to me, but BAD for me.
I would only feel sickened by myself again. I would HATE myself if I went back. But what am I without ‘Him’, without that pattern?
‘He’ is now telling me to go forward, to go my own way. So ‘He’ is now rejecting me, maybe I am bad and worthless, if even ‘He’ does not want to be connected to me any longer.
O.K. so now I am walking forward, walking my own path.
I feel like I am a pilgrim setting off on a journey. I am alone, really alone, no-one to help me or to batter me either.
I am alone, not free because I am uncertain still (not fearful) but I am alone. Growing relief, uncertain but growing.
3rd thirdI am walking along on my path now, seeing things and people, meeting people and situations.
I am considering all these peoples and situations, but not becoming them. I am CONSIDERING them in relation to myself. Where do they resonate with me? How do I feel about them? How do they affect me? What am I in relation to them?
Want to stop and rest now, cease walking, stop questioning, who am I asking anyway?
Want to stop questioning myself now.
Just want to be, just want to be who I am and nothing further now, nothing less or more than myself.
I am OK
I am.
I am, I am, I am.
I am not perfect, I just am, and that’s enough.
I am enough.