Author:
Jan Scholten
Book:
Qjure
Type:
Picture
Chapter:
3-665.36.09
Cordia subcordata
Culture: Rachmaninov, in America, composing heart-touching romances and preludes full of nostalgy.
Culture: H.C. Andersen, “the Wild Swans” fairy tale; Elisa, a princess rescuing her brothers, had to be silent for many years, condemned as a witch while knitting shirts of stinging nettle stems.
Essence
Not in its place, in the wrong culture. The circumstances impose a primitive lifestyle whereas the internal hidden dignity suggests that much more is deserved, a much better and richer life. They feel not appropriate for the primitive environment surrounding them. it is like a wrinkled, rumpled ball-dress, unsuitable, inappropriate in the environment. It is like a star ball-dancer in a crowd of low orders dressed in rugs. Who cares about your fancy dress style in the village where any rug better than a duster is a luxury, already. Situations like it are Russian aristocracy that could not emigrate after the 1917 revolution and had to live in the communist proletarian country, among dirt and hunger.
Another situation is that of an illegitimate child of a king family, thrown away to peasants, in order not to destroy the noble reputation of the family. The child feels her noble lineage but is incapable to escape the circumstances.
Mind
A mosaic, with brilliant evident bits, but failing to compose a full picture. Something does not fit. Something is incompatible, unsuitable.
Depth, the depth of suffering and pain. Deeply hidden inside. Like a very heavy lid of a water-well. One has to use all the skills and fantasy to manage to open it. It only yields to very peculiar and appropriate efforts, finely tuned to her whims. Once you tackle the task of opening the well you see a frightening black depth of pain. You have a desire to look into it, but at the same time you are afraid to see the pain of it.
Black hole.
A determined and well-considered effort does not bring any result. A coincidence of events and a spontaneous action may lead to success, in getting the true feeling of her deeply hidden essence.
She is taciturn, there is no point discussing her feelings with anyone. They will not understand. She can only open up and flourish in an unachievable wonderful dreamworld, in a worthy deserving group. She is waiting and looking for the appropriate environment to disclose herself. She can only show her brilliance in a group of the likes, of the similars. And it happens that she shows it to the inappropriate public that are a suitable team only in her fantasy. May happen spontaneously.
She deserves much more than the conditions allow. She is stuck in the inescapable dull and gloomy situation. Nobody really insists on you doing what you don’t want to do, it is just the unfortunate coincidence of events that led to the situation. So she puts up with it abiding to the conditions.
Desire for solitude, desire to leave, then cry bitter tears to release the pain of being not understood.
Desire to stop work, but it is unavoidable, one must continue.
Pretend that you are like others, doing knitting, routine duties, habitual stuff.
Submit to the circumstances, assimilate with the environment, mix with the crowd.
Dreams: car damaged by someone, strangers, in unexplainable happenings, I have to go by public transport.
Dreams: they damaged my blouse, and it cannot be repaired, its beautiful pletas are destroyed by someone whom I don’t know.
Dreams: my car in a strange city, surrounded by youngsters, excessively polite for a tip or a benefit, I have to leave my car and go by public transport because I don’t know this foreign town.
Dreams: I have to find a solution in situations that puzzle me.
General
Weather: chilly, freezing, even in tropics.
Body
Right side! pain, from right occiput extending down, right neck, right shoulder, right arm and hand, as if frozen, as if numb and heavy, as if not yours.
Head: headache, dull, heavy, from right to left temple, through the forehead under the hair growth line, eventually closing into a circle, as a semi ball, numb and heavy, on top of the head.
Eyes: right eye is distinctly different from the left; right eyelids heavy, close involuntarily; it’s okay to see things with just the left eye.
Face: right half of the face is distinctly different from the left half.
Nose: stuck, at the nose bridge high and deep, want to cause coryza but unable to.
Abdomen: sharp pain in the bottom, lasting for several hours, better warmth, worse movement, worse raising, getting up.