Woman, 64 years old, tinnitus.She is a psychotherapist. She tells:
"My tinnitus is driving me insane. It is worse when a particular patient comes and she is just being quiet; she does not talk much so we are in silence a lot.
I have had 3 concussions in life, pretty bad ones.
I am so behind in my notes, my accounting. I feel like a child: 'you are not a good girl because you did not finish your chores'. It is like something is hanging over me.
I feel whiny and fussy and picky. I feel I am being difficult, a burden, a nuisance, not easy for others. I was an only child, with a single parent, my mother. My parents split up some months after I was born. We often lived with my grand-mother and an aunt. They would criticise me and shame me.
I used to clean and put things away: clean, organise. I thought it was expected of me. My mother would be gone for 12 hours a day on weekends. She would come home, pass a finger on furniture and tell me: you missed a spot. So I would get it all done before she came home.
When my fish died, I cried. How can I feel more alone without a fish? I need company."

Psychotherapist? "I thought I would be a writer. Someone found my writings and laughed at them. It upset me. I shredded them all. I wanted to teach, help people to learn in a way that soothed them. I don’t want anybody to tell me what to do.
I took a bit of everything the first year at University and I read: ‘the most fucked up people I know are in psychology’. I felt fucked up, so I knew that was where I belong.
My mother said: 'I am not going to agree with you just because you are right’. I had friends like that, everyone around me.

My husband was scared to make decisions and I made decisions fast in order not to be anxious. And then he would criticise me. I wanted to be a good mom, he wanted to let the child cry until she puked. We even fought on our honeymoon! The first night in the hotel, he set the alarm to watch a fight on tv. We fought from there on. I felt rage, anger, loathing, shock, humiliation, demoralised. My competence made him feel incompetent. He was trying to humiliate me.
I remember being sexually abused by an uncle between 5-11 years old. It was my mother’s sister’s husband. My mother would leave me with them. I remember that he had his arm bent and I pushed my feet with all my might. I said nothing and made no noise to not wake his daughter in the other bed. If he does this to me, at least it is not her. He wrote me a letter once, apologising. I was so shocked, I ripped it up. I was terrified someone would find it and know it happened.
I felt upset, injustice, unfairness. I would complain, plead, ask.
Once I listened to a neighbour talking for an hour; when I started to talk, she just left and went in the house. I was shocked. I went into my house and started to yell. How could she talk for an hour and then, just leave? It is so unfair!
Kigelia africana was helping a lot, but then, after six months, it would bring me forward but not as well as before. Writing notes is difficult again. It had made a huge difference in my procrastinating.
Now, I feel observed. I will wait until the neighbour is done before going outside. I feel seen, compared. I don’t want to be seen.
It is hard to be seen trying, struggling. When running, I am unhappy, I try to get somewhere. When I do my lawn, I have waited too long and things are harder.
It is not comfortable outside, people are seeing me.
Maybe I am disconnected from my body. I think I disconnect from my body.
I am going to be blamed, it is going to be my fault. Everyone will be really mad at me. I am bad. A sexual yuck to it. Humiliated.
I anticipate being judged because of all the little things people said in the past.
I am on guard, ready for an attack, ready to defend, to get out if necessary."

Doing all the chores? "Waiting for the criticism, worked very hard not to get comments. Being shamed, never good enough. At family dinners, I would get up to help clear the table and my mother had the habit of asking me as I was already getting up. She shamed me as a slug. It ruined my desire to help. I spend my life trying to avoid that.
Now, I got a message that I won’t be able to use my office anymore, they are making changes and giving me only one week to find something else. And my doctor sent a letter that they are closing; I saw him last week, he could have told me in person! People are so bad about relationships! It shocks me! I grew up in a family that did not respect relationships. I became a therapist to fix that. I felt shocked, stunned, disbelief! I felt outrage, shock, anger.
Now the College wants me to write an exam again! My tolerance for hurdles is less. I don’t want the hurdles to be there at all. They keep coming, I can keep scaling them but not with the same vigour.
I am seen as less. I have a lot of wealthy friends, people around have money, I am seen as the poor cousin. I don’t like working for people, don’t like to be parented by an authority, don’t like being told what to do. I have always been sensitive to that. Enraged! You have to do as I say! If I could find another job that would pay well, I would go for it!
If you don’t conform, they will say: you will have to come to class and learn the things you got wrong and we will test you again. I could lose my licence to practice if I don’t comply.
I always fear punishment!; from authority figures, banks, the ones from College, they will get me!! My family does not follow the rules and they get away with it but I will get caught. My ex cheats up and down, he has never been caught!"

Analysis Kigelia africanaLanthanides, 3-660.00.00: psychotherapist, looking for solutions.
Silver series, 3-665.00.00, Lamiidae: psychotherapist, helping others.
Phase 6, 3-665.60.00, Verbenales: abuse, resentment, unfairness.
Phase 5, 3-665.65.00, Bignoniaceae: hot flushes; intense; hypertension.
Stage 5, 3-665.65.05, Kigelia africana: procrastination.
The first prescription was Kigelia africana.

Follow up Kigelia africanaIt helped a great deal, she loved the remedy but it was not acting further after a year.
Then she related what was happening in her life: everything was happening suddenly, out of the blue, unexpectedly, by people she thought she had a good relationship with. She got kicked out of her office space without much notice. She had seen her doctor the week before and he had not mentioned taking his retirement. The College of Psychotherapists asked her to take an exam. Everything was "all of a sudden". She kept repeating the words "shocked, stunned, I can't believe this, I thought we understood each other".
I then asked about her childhood, were things happening unexpectedly? Of course! She thought she had a good relationship with her aunt and that aunt would suddenly laugh at her, her mother was nice and then, boom, would say something mean. The words "shocked, stunned, surprised that she was not so well accepted in a group she thought she was doing well in" kept coming back over and over, no matter the situation. At the same time, she knows she is a good psychotherapist, she is very stable in her job, very responsible, she does things very well. Also, she is a bit OCD, she buys clothes compulsively.

Analysis Polypodium vulgareHer perception had shifted with Kigelia africana. The traumas of childhood were much clearer.
Pteridophyte: let the child cry; sexually abused; disconnected from my body; being bad; conform; comply; follow the rules; traumas of childhood were much clearer.
Iron series: don’t want to be seen; blamed, my fault; humiliated.
Phase 4: shocked, stunned, surprised; suddenly, out of the blue, unexpected; from people she thought she had a good relationship with.
Stage: on the left, it is never enough, never having finished.
Stage 8: struggling.
Prescription: 3-444.14.08, Polypodium vulgare C30.

Follow up Polypodium vulgareAfter 2 months, she tells:
"There is something gone about… my anxiety had come down already, but now, there is a real letting go. It has freed me from the past! If it could have been different, it would! I was not responsible for that! Something has freed up.
I have more hope, more confidence, more capacity in this shit show. I can create and cultivate my protective little bubble. I feel better about me, what I have created. Money is still an issue but I have the capacity to work for another 20 years. That should work. If I need a home, I will sell my property. It should be fine. The doom and gloom have lifted. Maybe it will still be a shit show but I will figure it out.
After the first dose, there was a huge car repair, as my car died, but it was under warranty. I had a license review and passed. I found a dog-sitter so I can go visit my daughter.
Good things happened, but I am less scared that things won’t work out. I thought they worked out before because I worry. Now, I can't worry although my body and mind expect me to. My body likes being calmer. I have time, not a race anymore.
Now I am dialoguing with myself and it works: good things are happening to me.
It is nice not to have constant chattering in my mind telling me I am a bad person. I am back to writing my notes daily, that is great, it now seems easy.
I thought for so long that people were out to get me. This is now so unusual for me.
I purged a lot of clothes; now I am looking for natural fibres.
I am visualising things in my mind, have less judgement and less shame, and am less rushed. I trust myself more, and that is HUGE.
My fear of being seen in the world has reduced so much. If I have to go somewhere, like walking to the vet, I used to think what will I look like, who is going to see me? Now, I don’t even think about it!
I have recently noticed when I am second guessing myself, I feel ashamed of a question I asked. Now, it reminds me that I did my job. The remedy has slowed me down and I can perceive my progress from one moment to the next.
I used to have debilitating shame! It is the most debilitating emotion. I am bad because it has happened to me. There must be something wrong with me if they do this to me. That is gone!"
She repeated the remedy every other week.

Two months later she tells:"I joined a gym, started writing my book, my accounting is up to date, ready to file my taxes. I took my clothes to a consignment shop, at least I get money for clothes I don’t wear.
I was so afraid to write my book because of other people reading it, that was mine, not yours. I start the book by saying: what I say here is not mine, I mention everyone, not stealing from anyone.
I am bursting out! I saw someone who said: ‘how are you’ and I answered: ‘I am happy!! I don’t say this lightly!’
I had 3 workshops in a row, life is good. I joined a book club, joined the ladies, only went once, I bring my point of view. They have read more than me. They read all the new releases, I take my daughter’s recommendations and I am ok with that. I don’t care of what they think."
Prescription: repeat Polypodium vulgare as needed.

DiscussionThe follow up expresses the Pteridophyta state even better than the intake. She was telling herself that she was a bad person, that there had to be something wrong with her. She had to be bad because something bad had happened to her. It is the magical thinking of a child. That made her sensitive to shame, humiliation, punishment and so on. It was a debilitating shame, producing panic, rushing and racing.
This case is a good example of the hidden quality of the fern, being compensated by a Lanthanide and Silver series remedy, in this case Kigelia africana.