Lecanopteris pustulata

3-444.16.13
Case by Doug Brown.The patient is a 69 years old divorced female, naturopathic doctor with depression her whole life. She says:My ex-husband is a psychiatrist. The divorce was brutal, unforgiving. Breaking up the family was last thing I wanted. I had wonderful child at 44. She’s a joy. But now she needs to break away from me. The empty nest is harder than I anticipated. I loved being a parent. Now I feel I’m done…..My daughter doesn’t need me. She has everything she needs to be a viable and successful human being. In fact, has way more skills than I ever did.I spend a lot of time in my own mind. Nature is my saving grace. I go out for a walk every night. If the stars are out I feel happy and connected. I love being active, being outdoors.
Connecting to nature; maybe hear an owl out there.I find people difficult to get along with. I do have a couple of good friends. I tried to train them to call me more. The social thing is difficult. I feel socially retarded. I’ve had falling outs with siblings, with good old friends.I’m all alone. I stop wanting to seek out people that I don’t feel good with. I can have a day where nobody calls me, nobody looks out for how I’m doing. Nobody likes me, I guess I’ll go eat worms.It’s scary to lose control. I just go into this place of blackness. It feels like I am consumed. There’s no light, nothing. Throughout my life I’ve been trying to find a way to hold myself together. Then I get to places where I totally crash down.As a child there was nobody I could really go to. I feel that way now. There’s no way to have a life I’d want to live. I have an orphan complex. I haven’t been able to rise above it. I would love to rise above it. I also want to stop fighting it. I want that to stop controlling me, but that IS me.I had a falling out with my sister over my knee replacement surgery May 2021. I was very traumatised by it. When she found out I needed the operation she offered to come and be with me. I appreciated, needed the support. I had to take a lot of drugs. Everything was a challenge. She said on Day 2 that her husband was going to join us with his dog. I said I don’t think I can do that. That wasn’t part of the agreement. I don’t think I can have another person and a dog right now. I needed quiet and care. She was infuriated. She started yelling at me, said she would leave. I said, ‘You can’t, I need your help.’My heart was broken. She had no room for me, was disgusted. I had the most major surgery in my life and I was being punished for speaking up for my needs. That relationship has never been restored.My best friend of the past 30 years is now written off. She said “You need to call me”. But you never answer. Then she said “You can’t be leaving me these long messages”.
I haven’t been willing to subject myself to relationships that don’t feel supportive.
I’ve written off a couple of brothers and sisters…..I don’t have enough Oxygen (in this room).I was on a bus tour with my daughter. I was feeling lonely. She wanted to wander on her own. The other girls were with their Moms. She wants to have her own experience.
She said “Mom, are you okay?” I said “No, I’m not okay!” When I told her why I wasn’t okay she was infuriated with me. She stomped off. The falling out pervaded into the group. Others pretending it didn’t happen. We were both in an altered state.I asked her if she would sit with me. She was disgusted, said “No!” I said maybe we could just sit with each other, hold hands. Again, “No!” It was traumatic. I cried by myself. When we got back, she was infuriated with me.I was married to a psychiatrist. He had good persuasive techniques.
He was incredibly busy, seeing 35 patients/day, not taking vacations. I tried to get him to work one day less. He would have none of it; wanted to make his money. The system needed to be depressurised. I worked less. I tried to make family meals for all of us. The pressure cooker was untenable. The divorce was egregious. Divorce was the last thing I wanted. It was a battle for my life.In a group the easiest thing is to disappear. I grew up with a lot of people. Disappearing was the least painful place to be.At 18 my boyfriend was my first real friend. I thought we’d be together forever. After 4 years he started seeing somebody else. It was a huge heartbreak. I felt unmoored. I had very little connection with parents, siblings. I was always looking for a partner, a love relationship.
A sister got involved with two of my boyfriends. I had to put a steel shield around me when aunt and mother visited. They didn’t like my hair.My aunt would tell me to toe the line. She felt she had to protect my mother from my behaviour .I would sit and watch Walter Cronkite with my arm around my dad. He never expressed emotions. He died of lung cancer at 71. He was of my heart. My Mom was harsh. Toe the line, do chores, keep the house clean! I felt emotionally closer to my dad, although he was not an emotional person. He would never chase me away but would never put his arm around me. He loved his place, where he’d grown up and lived his whole life. Once he was gone, there was nothing I wanted to go back to.It’s very important for me to be connected with nature, the other realms of human life. The spiritual realms. Being metaphysical, esoteric. That’s a high interest of mine. In my family that wasn’t valued. People don’t understand that in their life; so how would they understand that in mine? So I conform.For example, becoming an ND. I didn’t want to be a doctor. But I needed to make a living, and the license gives me leverage to do meaningful things with other people.
I’ve felt like the village idiot because I expected myself to be like them. But I’m not.I’m difficult for people to get along with. I find people annoying. If I’m not annoyed, I’m awkward or afraid to express self. I have a handicap with people.
I’m managing my mother’s care. She was not the mother I would have wanted. I want to make relationship better before she dies. She doesn’t want to be alone in life. All her siblings, kids are gone. She won’t talk with me about dying. I said, “you know you can always join all of your people.”
She’s a narcissist, demented, lives in a convent. I’m dutiful with her, visit her when I can. But I’m taking a break from daily calls, visits. I’ve lost my compassion for her.
She said “I don’t know who you are.” We all wish she could die. She’s never been open-hearted with me. It’s hard for me that I can’t be open-hearted with her. She’s the last person in world I’d want to give a hug to. I always felt repulsed to touch my mother.
I was on the Board of my church, but decided to drop out. It was a hard decision. This was the In Group. I was happy to be in. It’s confusing.AnalysisPteridophyta: People are difficult to get along with. I tried to train them (people as objects rather than subjects). I spend a lot of time in my own mind (autistic trait). Feel socially retarded. Adapted herself to “depressurise” the family. Passive, acted upon (Ex-husband had good persuasive techniques.” “I conform.”
Lack of empathy. Lost compassion for mother.Iron series: Works as naturopathic doctor to pay bills. Feels overwhelmed by demands, colleagues’ personalities. Battle for my life. Steel shield around me. Toe the line, do chores! Became a doctor to make a living.
Subphase 6: disgust, repulsed, punished, alone, friends and siblings “written off”, insufficient oxygen.
Phase 1: Alone, Orphan complex, unmoored. No friends or connection until 18 years old.
Stage 13: Disappearing. Dropping out. Annoyed.
Prescription: 444.16.13, Lecanopteris pustulata.Three month follow-up:I had a breakthrough with my family. I was with 5 siblings for New Years Eve. I fared well. I had one panicky moment, when I felt I could spend my life at one sister’s house, but then had to go off to my other sisters at another location. I worked through it, which was quite amazing.
I could talk to a sister I had been out of contact with. We’ve become better friends. She was very kind with my mother. Feeding her, taking her to bathroom. We were a really good team. I’m not used to feeling that alignment.
I’m not used to having my internal self exposed without being trampled on. Yet my internal self was fully exposed, and I was cared for.
I’m not used to being cared for in a way that touches my heart in my family. It was huge.
I went off to see a brother. We had hard moments, but I stood in my centre. We went on adventures, saw coyote, deer, hawks. I wasn’t expecting this heart-felt connection with him.
I had heart-touching moments also with another sister. I could share some wisdom back and forth with both. It meant so much to me.
I realised I just needed to be there. Somehow it was all okay. I never had that experience in my family.
I had a calm and lovely time with my daughter. It was laid back. I feel good in my relationship with her.
Work remains challenging, but in more favourable ways. I’ve been talking with people about death and dying…that’s a new area of growth for me. It’s okay to be more of a human being in my work.
Now I’m more likely to tell a story. Share a life lesson. That makes me more interested, more present. It’s not always a one-way thing. How can I love being there more?
One colleague I’ve always disliked is all of a sudden trying to be very friendly. She’s the new owner. I’ve also felt much more at ease with the other doctor I’ve worked with for so long. All the dynamics have changed.
I had angst about my 70th birthday. Why can’t somebody just do it for me? And then five people came, brought poems and gifts. It was lovely.
I’ve been trying to come to terms with how I feel about my mother. I long to feel a loving connection with her. When she took my hand there was no palpable joy or love. I don’t feel as destroyed now by not having that. I try to do everything I can for her. Tend to her as best I can. I call her every morning.
Dreams: Men who were living in woods, brutal. Fingers being cut off. Dismemberment. Children there.
Dream 1: Baby of my dead sister we were all looking out for. I was pulling paper out of a baby’s mouth. It just went on and on. Then there was no baby left. The baby was dead. I was distraught.
Dream 2: I had two weeks left to live. Had to decide if I was going to work, say good-bye to patients. No, I don’t want to work. I want my daughter to come and be with me for these two weeks.
Feeling? Quiet acceptance. Surprise, perplexed by my calmness.
Previous remedies included Tyto alba, which ameliorated for a short while. The following remedies did not act: Cygnus bewickii, Palladium, Aquamarine (Gemstone), and Dama dama.