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Nelumbo nucifera
Year 2022, Issue 31CaseAuthor: Jan Scholten
Female Age 27, Native Indian of CanadaColor19 C
19C
aquam-im(PT), ara-h(2), ara-m(2), bac(PT), biti-a, bor, borx, caul(1), cench(1), chin(1), chin-s(JK), cory-f, crot-h(1), erig(2), form-ac(1), impatiens, lach(1), lept, mor-spil(2), mor-vir(2), naja(1), oxyu-s, phyt(1), positr(PT), sym-r(1), thor-o, turqu-im(PT), tus-p(1), vip(1)11 C17-19BC Lanthd.
dysp, dysp-o(JS), dysp-s, erb-o, erb-p, euro-n, gado-o, holm-o(JS), lant, lant-p, lute, neod-n, neod-o, neod-ox, neod-p, pras-m(JS), pras-s, prom-m(KR), sama-n, terb-ox(JS), thul-c(JS), ytte-pWhen I was younger had such a complex, having a boy’s name, I didn’t like it and I guess it would be the older people would like it, the teasing. Feelings? Very self conscious, stayed with me until I had my first child at 23, now 26, just on a healing journey going on. Wasn’t bullied a whole lot, some racism going on, guess I lost my identity on the way, and changed my name to Dakota, everybody knew me as Dakota, nobody knew who I was and where I came from, feel that I am a very private person, having trouble showing emotions.
Moved to Williams Lake, took on a whole new identity, made me feel powerful and made me feel like I had a clean record, pretending to be somebody that I wasn’t felt empowering.
My Mom was an alcoholic and abused by my brother’s and sister’s uncles and stuff, she moved a lot, don’t remember staying in a place for 4 years, that’s when I moved to WL when I was 15, met Owen.
Whenever I made a friends we would move, we lived all over BC, mother pretty absente MOM, lots of abuse was going on in my family, with my brothers’ and sisters, I was always the protected one, the baby the one I got everything, my siblings remember that. My father was very abusive to my siblings but not to me, grew up having everything done, found out when I got pregnant, didn’t know how to do laundry, or make a meal, using a phone book or to pay a bill, was very lost, suffered a lot of depression
Met Owen and we had a baby had to figure out my things pretty quickly.
Never thought I could own a car, remember being in high school, not knowing anything about credit, never thought I would have a future. Now I have everything, car, house and lots of money, it is exhilarating now.Depression:I tried to kill myself, felt abandoned from my family, rough transition for me because they took care of me, got to a certain age and then it was like fend for yourself. Lived with my sister, kind of left on my own, have never been a partier or drunk, was living in Oliver with the Osoyoos Indian band, my stepfather is from there, I call him Dada.
Huge drug scene there, I remember somebody offering me heavy drugs and I never knew about drugs, that freaked me out, so many people doing drugs, knew it wasn’t my life.
Was only 15, moved to WL, was my choice but felt like I was shipped away too. I thought we went to there to visit and then my mother said I should stay there, and would be a fresh start, to get out of Oliver and that scene.(crying)
She probably thought that I did drugs and drunk because I was always out, I even lied to people that I did drugs, wasn’t until I was older that I hadn’t done drugs.
My sister living with her, was a whole new experience that’s what leads to my depression.
Couldn’t eat certain things out of her fridge, she would only give me access to certain things, she would say to me, she wouldn’t buy me toiletries, I was thinking I was really confused not knowing how to buy that for myself, nobody supported me financially, went with very little for a long time. They would bring home fast food just for themselves, the room I stayed in wasn’t my room, I just got to sleep in. Didn’t have any belongings, not very many clothes. At the time I didn’t know any better, remember just staying in my room and feeling no one was there and no one would help me. Put everything aside and dealing with a lot of that stuff the last couple of years, looking back on those things.
Was going to school, was really hard, I was tired all the time, they put me on all kind of different drugs, went to a counsellor and they said you are depressed and they would give me anti-depressants, was on really crazy thing, Chloramazapam, effexor, made me out of it, until I met this one doctor went to see a different counsellor and she said you need to go on pills again, wouldn’t stay on them, they made me cloudy. He finally said you don’t need to be on this, he said you are depressed and there must be a reason.
Haven’t been to any counsellor since, was not functioning well, was no quality of life.
Came to the point where I swallowed some pills, didn’t tell anyone for a long time, didn’t want to kill myself, wanted someone to look at me, hey I need help.
I took a whole bunch of Tylenols, Neo Citran, and Ibuprofen, started to feel really drowsy and tired, woke up again, feeling horrible for a while. Never really told anybody, didn’t talk to my mother that often, never came up I guess, I told her and she told my sister, she panicked a bit, she made me sign this contract to make a commitment that I wouldn’t kill myself, made a list of people and phone numbers of people I could call. That was the first time someone actually cared about me.
There was that contract and I had already given up on the counselling anyway, I just was tried to go to school as much as I could, eventually started talking to more people and making friends. Opened up a little bit, had some friends when I first came, all of a sudden didn’t talk to any of them, was off the grid, walked down the hall with my head down, found myself making friends and being more social. Making changes on my own, depression, still little depressed not to the same extent, exhausted with everything anyway, wasn’t until I made a choice not to. After my son was born, had this being to look after, had to learn pretty quickly, realized that depression is a choice, something switched, pills, weren’t’ the answer, said I didn’t want to depend on anybody.
Still have that problem work 7 days a week, pay for everything, if something goes wrong have a backup plan, maybe I am little to bossy, feel a little entitled sometimes.Work?Penticton Indian band, Mo-Fri. Alliance planning coordinator, on the weekend work on the center for battered women, 12 hours Sat./Sun., still have to go to work after this.
That is part of my anxiety now, have been getting so much anxiety, every time get a rush and my heart goes really fast, think about my job during the week, good worker, always there, get promotions all the time. Don’t enjoy my job right now, not something I want to wake up too. Dread going to work, causing a little bit of anxiety, right now I pay for everything, feel pressure sometimes that I am kind of stuck, have to keep this position, until Owen is out of school, just feel like trapped and not happy with the job during the week. Causing me a lot of anxiety, can’t sleep, but also super tired, can sleep for 10 or 12 hours when I get to sleep, so it is like I can’t get to sleep but when I do don’t want to get out of it.
Again, don’t want to go to the doctor, that’s one of the huge reasons why I am here.Anxiety?Try to keep my mind off of it, work and stuff, when me and Owen are lost in conversations, get really intense heart beating and really fast, try to watch movies, try to wear ear plugs at night, nature sounds and stuff, as soon when I think about it my heart beats really fast. Especially at night, the morning I am not looking forward too, at night I know in the morning I will have to get up and do it again.
Job?
A few different things that cause stress, involves a lot of community engagement a very political job, never worked for a band office before, a lot of interesting stuff happens there, as a community member I don’t agree with. Feel like it is poison, when elections are going on, everyone was trying to use my project as a campaign, land use plan, they want to come to my events, that was stressful for me them being there, being in charges. My boss is just her title going into this position there is no support not training, she hasn’t been re-elected into this position. Everything extras is like pulling teeth, I work alone all the time, I like working with people, delegating tasks, don’t like sitting on the computer on my own. I am such a team worker, leading a team, have always been manager, good at it, passionate about it, working alone is a huge thing for me, bugs me, don’t want too.Management positions?Manager a convenience store, NK MP resort, I was guest services there, was being trained to be the manager by the previous manager, was very excited about it loved it, the only thing was I wasn’t a band member, he trained me, he wanted me to take his place, the Chief said I wanted a band member, I had to train this person, was like a slap in the face. I left took my first position available, land use coordinator.Have been looking for something different again, feel like my issue with that is I have never done something and not succeeded with it, giving up on it feel like failing, if I just walk away, would feel like a failure, maybe I am not thick skinned enough, this political stuff, it is just so crazy for me.
Thinking for my well being need to make a change, just waiting for an opportunity. Prefer not to be band associated, don’t want to anymore after this.DreamsHave recurring dreams of my teeth falling out in junks, spitting them out. When I have dreams they can be really horrific, murders and stuff, either don’t have dreams or have spurts of them, every day, those are hard to sleep, weird and scary, no co relation to anything.
Mostly violent dreams, always involved the death of someone, could be sword fighting or shouting somebody, was very weird
Spiders, a whole bunch of spiders, coloured ones, striped and;yellow and black, spotted, black with red spots a whole slew of them all different colours, like Neon.
Coming at me started with one, some came from a closet, started falling, was in a room at my stepfathers housed, crawling along the hallway and then totally freaked out and woke myself up.
Had a dream about snakes too can’t remember
No fear of snakes.
Fears?
Spiders really bad
Struggled for a long time with dying, when I was younger, have legends and stuff in our culture, being told too young, prophets.
Happening now, have different dimension in our culture 7 dimensions, we are sitting in the middle dimension, look like Indians and we might be able to talk lie them, but we don’t have the culture anymore, the decision whether we will continue or if we are just going to phase out.Spiritual: I always thought I was an atheist, was against Christianity, probably because at the residential schools, the way most Christians behaved, very violent area, that went against our community, blamed Christianity, never was religious even with my own culture, rarely lived on reserves with my own culture, never really had that connection. Even when I was in Osoyoos was all business there, no culture.I think I believe in the creator and I don’t think that I sit where I don’t need to worship in any specific matter, don’t need to go to church, or a sweat or to the river, I just know that there is somebody there and when I need I want we can build a relationship in private.The only thing is that I am insecure in my relationship with my husband, have no reason to, always feel like I need to control things. Even if he goes to visit his cousin, they end up drinking and stuff, his whole family is drinking, I am very against it, feel like very controlling and insecure with that. Cheating on me, being away for a weekend, because I feel insecure.
Good relationship we have been together for almost 9 years, we met when I was 17 years old. Especially with Owens’s health scare that was scaryChildren? They are wonderful, live my life for them, and I don’t spoil them too much, always instill in them the importance of being a good and honest person, very open with them about everything, when we have a loss in the family. They save money and they have a bank card, teaching them stuff early on, stuff that I didn’t know.Me time?
The kids are up north right now, with their grandma, which is good, so weird, the house is so empty, we don’t know what to do.
I sing, as a part of my wellness part, have a complex about it, from when I was younger wanted to sing all the time, they told me to be quiet, never supported that way, will sing in front of a few people, get really anxious and can’t breathe, can’t even do it in front of Owen, has followed me so far. Asked him if I could have an hour a week for 1 hour, if I don’t sing feel like I can’t release anything, when I do sing. What kind of music do you like to sing Hymens, gospel songs, remember my great grandma at funerals and stuff and I have a book and sing them out. That’s my one thing I do for me, I need to do, gets way too much otherwise. Tried getting away for the weekend go somewhere, we have been to cities and stuff, we try to take off, feel like I want to go out there and do something, think it will help my stress but doesn’t work.Anger? I think like I am very irritated, because I am tired and stressed, short leashed sometimes, nit picking, very irritable, feel like I have been like that a lot lately, probably good hat they are there, with kids and stuff.Emotional? The one thing with my sister that even still affects our relationship now, I don’t think she know, she has done a lot of work on herself, incest and stuff, things I don’t even know about, she was raped, she is a lot better now. Can have a conversation with her without hurting her feelings.
Went to choices a self development program, I think I have forgiven her, but haven’t told her, she had her niece, she was so mean to her, and that was a huge trigger, that really bothered me.
Mother?
We are good, when I went to choices, never knew how angry I was at my family, never leaned on them for support, feel like I released that, was able to forgive that.Biological father more in contact now than ever, never been closer, he is around all the time now.Criticism:
Defensive, very fact based, if the facts were there, would really take offense, doesn’t bother me that much, feel very confident cover all my bases.
Worst criticism?
Probably body, she is fat or something like that would bother me quite a bit.
I have a tape like that I am not good enough, always have something to prove, more personal than work related, definitely.I don’t know if I am depressed or just stressed. Don’t feel like I can feel that much, even with Owen, I cry and stop, can’t be super happy or sad, having trouble feeling emotion, feel like numb, except with my kids.Sexually?
It is very hard for me, we are trying to get out of that place, getting to of my mind, stop thinking about everything and just go with the flow, thinking about work or my body image, we both went to choices, helped us opened up more and him too. Who cares be who you are, tough to just let go and enjoy, huge struggle.Periods are fine, always been regular, once a month for 7 days, was on the marina IUD and stopped having periods but now came back, releases hormones every months. Feel comfortable with that, works the best for us, don’t have to worry about taking the pills, tried the shot.Allergies:
Not extreme, different kinds of soaps, can wear perfumes, if I wash myself with soap, get hives and stuff all over my body, if I shower in treated water, get blotches and stuff, was breaking out in hives one time just sitting by a lake, I think it is water and soap, itching and stuff. Hotel soap can’t use, so I don’t react that bad to the water.
No food sensitivity.Digestion:Was on acu-thane, have a lot of acne just hunts me, GP suggested it, side effects was on it for 3 months, went on it again for a month stopped taking them, bowel problems, pain on bowel movements, really soft, when it is moving through the intestines, more constipated, even before I need to go., have to take Tylenol, just had an episode.Food cravings:Never use to eat bad until Owen and I, I don’t care for eating out, when I don’t want to make dinner, nothing particular
Love cheese, goat cheese
During my period, really extreme anything and anything from pop corn to slurpies to pizza, just junk foodAversions:Seafood, have taken Kelp.
Cooked fish.
Olives
Seafood is texture, don’t like the taste of itEat meat everything, try to eat meat and veggies for dinner.Pregnancies: both were good, all natural, first one was about 14 hours, little pain, second one 4 hours lots of pain, with girl really nauseous and sick, uncomfortable no stretch marks with Taylon, with Lona had all stretch marks.
No more children, really happy with them both.Relationship with animals?Used to love them, when I was growing up was taking care of injured animals waned to become a vet, now all I can think of is all the work, she is ping all over the place, less patience for them now, very different now, can’t really make the connection right now. Favorite animal, love cats, just love them, don’t want the responsibility.Feel good just talking about it, certain things I wouldn’t even talk to Owen about it.
Had some sexual abuse when I was growing up, saying things out loud.Nelumbus Nucifera: 64301See Rep. in Complete DynamicsOrder on Scholten’s tree: iron series, silica series, phase 1Strong ambition and work ethnic all she does is workFamily issues and identity issues ( Silica series), stage 3 stuff about idenityPhase 1, naïve quality, child like, not connected with herself in a sense, difficult sexual relationship. Feeling of being a total outsider, not part of the group at all.
Not feeling as part of the family or the tribe, attempted suicideApril 7.13:Thanks for keeping me posted!I had a dream the other day about 2 lions, as weird as that sounds.
One was a male, and the other a female.
It was at my house, where there are two windows besides each other with a little space between.
My daughter was being attacked by the lioness, and my son was behind her trying to hide.
I was watching helpless from inside the house.
I opened the window just enough to grab my son and lift him inside, and shut the window.
I then wen to the other window and threw something out for the lions to chase and grabbed my injured daughter in.
Very odd dream, out of the ordinary so I thought I would share:)
I've also been having very vivid dreams, where I think that events actually happened, or I struggle to differentiate between my dream and reality.May 27.13:Good, and not so good, when I first got my remedy have been having lots of crazy anxiety my heart was beating like crazy. That went away as soon as I took it, the first time I took the remedy felt like a light came over me, wasn’t out of body experience. Was like a casing came over me, what did it feel like> was like protective and enlightening, couldn’t feel my heart beat. Thought that was amazing, for the first 3-4 weeks would have these feelings of anxiety but my heart wouldn’t pound, I don’t know why I can’t feel it anymore. There is time when I can, that was so weird for me, can’t even describe hot that feeling is was amazing.Anxiety?I felt the energy, can barely feel my heart beating, that’s probably how it should be, was almost scared didn’t know what was going on. At first was like I couldn’t feel it at all, but couldn’t feel it, at first wanted to feel it. Now feels that is balancing itself out a bit, some days I can feel my heart beat, but most of the time I can’t. That’s was so weird.
Emotionally felt good, feel like myself, don’t have to hold anything back, feel very comfortable, usually when it is not work related, I am shy and reserved and not able to laugh and have fun. Even with Owens’s family they can be judgmental, never been close to his family. Now I am engaged in more conversations feel like making connection with them. Even with my sister haven’t been holding back so much, didn’t know when had issues with me, wasn’t holding back, didn’t feel so scared.
Feel comfortable in a social setting now, a lot of adjusting I had to do.
On the other side feel more distant from Owen, my Libido is low, can’t even remember the last time we had sex, over a month, very low libido. Don’t know why, if he tries to kiss me or hug me, we have been never like this, don’t know why now, that I feel so, working too much, tired, would rather go to sleep with the little break with have. Maybe because I am working so much and he doesn’t, he doesn’t say anything, I don’t know what is going on.
I feel like I have so much going on and I just need a break from it for a bit. Had a client commit suicide last Monday that was hard hen coming home and not being able to related. Him not understanding that I am going through a rough time, that’s part of me going through.
Put in my notice and my last day was April 29. They have tried to ask me back, I said possible for a contract, my Mom and I and my sister started a business, flexible time wise. If my daughter comes home I can spend some time with here. Went on a field trip with her, will go on a field trip with my son. Owen’ is helping too. We have never had anything like this before, just love him to pieces, feel almost it is too much, don’t know why I want to push away, that hurts him too, feel it is temporary.
Lately he is not really secure here, he doesn’t have any friends, he doesn’t do anything on his own, for me I like going for coffee with my sister, or go to a community event, he doesn’t want to do anything like that all.
When we went to choices at first he was at such a high and then hit an extreme low, normally people are more comfortable with themselves, with him it is the opposite, I feel like he is needier than doing his own thing.
I’ll go to Yoga and do stuff, but he never does anything, or never follows through with it, only does it once or twice. Thinking of what else has happened.
Can’t even imagine not being on this remedy, the Lotus Flower, that’s how much I love it, I think it was perfect for me.
Sleep?
Way better, my heart is not beating like crazy, can fall asleep without a movie now, don’t need that, can just fall asleep, not laying there tossing and turning, getting a lot more sleep than I used to. Don’t wake up that often during the night, maybe once, if at all. Kids are sleeping through, never noticed that before, they have been pretty good.
Still working lots, 6 days evening night shift, I talked to her and said it was too much, need to step back, making much more money doing contract work, she is going to put me on for 3 days, and Sunday will be home day just for the family. Feel really good about that, we can go on a family trip or something, I am excited.
I haven’t been having many dreams at all, had a dream about the suicide the day after not dreaming a whole lot like I used to, never noticed that either.
Digestion:
I haven’t had like little loose bowels, usually have pains and stuff, haven’t had any. Had really bad pains in my lower abdomen was like being in labour, was really extreme made me feel sick and numb, lasted for 4-5 hours, they did all tests and they thought it may have been a burst cyst, the ultrasound that one had burst, showed me the little thing still had a little bit of fluids in it.
Birth control? Marina IUDRemedies:March 26.13: Nelumbo Nucifera 9 CH, 1 pellet daily
May 27.13: Nelumbo Nucifera 9 CH 1 pellet daily
19C
aquam-im(PT), ara-h(2), ara-m(2), bac(PT), biti-a, bor, borx, caul(1), cench(1), chin(1), chin-s(JK), cory-f, crot-h(1), erig(2), form-ac(1), impatiens, lach(1), lept, mor-spil(2), mor-vir(2), naja(1), oxyu-s, phyt(1), positr(PT), sym-r(1), thor-o, turqu-im(PT), tus-p(1), vip(1)11 C17-19BC Lanthd.
dysp, dysp-o(JS), dysp-s, erb-o, erb-p, euro-n, gado-o, holm-o(JS), lant, lant-p, lute, neod-n, neod-o, neod-ox, neod-p, pras-m(JS), pras-s, prom-m(KR), sama-n, terb-ox(JS), thul-c(JS), ytte-pWhen I was younger had such a complex, having a boy’s name, I didn’t like it and I guess it would be the older people would like it, the teasing. Feelings? Very self conscious, stayed with me until I had my first child at 23, now 26, just on a healing journey going on. Wasn’t bullied a whole lot, some racism going on, guess I lost my identity on the way, and changed my name to Dakota, everybody knew me as Dakota, nobody knew who I was and where I came from, feel that I am a very private person, having trouble showing emotions.
Moved to Williams Lake, took on a whole new identity, made me feel powerful and made me feel like I had a clean record, pretending to be somebody that I wasn’t felt empowering.
My Mom was an alcoholic and abused by my brother’s and sister’s uncles and stuff, she moved a lot, don’t remember staying in a place for 4 years, that’s when I moved to WL when I was 15, met Owen.
Whenever I made a friends we would move, we lived all over BC, mother pretty absente MOM, lots of abuse was going on in my family, with my brothers’ and sisters, I was always the protected one, the baby the one I got everything, my siblings remember that. My father was very abusive to my siblings but not to me, grew up having everything done, found out when I got pregnant, didn’t know how to do laundry, or make a meal, using a phone book or to pay a bill, was very lost, suffered a lot of depression
Met Owen and we had a baby had to figure out my things pretty quickly.
Never thought I could own a car, remember being in high school, not knowing anything about credit, never thought I would have a future. Now I have everything, car, house and lots of money, it is exhilarating now.Depression:I tried to kill myself, felt abandoned from my family, rough transition for me because they took care of me, got to a certain age and then it was like fend for yourself. Lived with my sister, kind of left on my own, have never been a partier or drunk, was living in Oliver with the Osoyoos Indian band, my stepfather is from there, I call him Dada.
Huge drug scene there, I remember somebody offering me heavy drugs and I never knew about drugs, that freaked me out, so many people doing drugs, knew it wasn’t my life.
Was only 15, moved to WL, was my choice but felt like I was shipped away too. I thought we went to there to visit and then my mother said I should stay there, and would be a fresh start, to get out of Oliver and that scene.(crying)
She probably thought that I did drugs and drunk because I was always out, I even lied to people that I did drugs, wasn’t until I was older that I hadn’t done drugs.
My sister living with her, was a whole new experience that’s what leads to my depression.
Couldn’t eat certain things out of her fridge, she would only give me access to certain things, she would say to me, she wouldn’t buy me toiletries, I was thinking I was really confused not knowing how to buy that for myself, nobody supported me financially, went with very little for a long time. They would bring home fast food just for themselves, the room I stayed in wasn’t my room, I just got to sleep in. Didn’t have any belongings, not very many clothes. At the time I didn’t know any better, remember just staying in my room and feeling no one was there and no one would help me. Put everything aside and dealing with a lot of that stuff the last couple of years, looking back on those things.
Was going to school, was really hard, I was tired all the time, they put me on all kind of different drugs, went to a counsellor and they said you are depressed and they would give me anti-depressants, was on really crazy thing, Chloramazapam, effexor, made me out of it, until I met this one doctor went to see a different counsellor and she said you need to go on pills again, wouldn’t stay on them, they made me cloudy. He finally said you don’t need to be on this, he said you are depressed and there must be a reason.
Haven’t been to any counsellor since, was not functioning well, was no quality of life.
Came to the point where I swallowed some pills, didn’t tell anyone for a long time, didn’t want to kill myself, wanted someone to look at me, hey I need help.
I took a whole bunch of Tylenols, Neo Citran, and Ibuprofen, started to feel really drowsy and tired, woke up again, feeling horrible for a while. Never really told anybody, didn’t talk to my mother that often, never came up I guess, I told her and she told my sister, she panicked a bit, she made me sign this contract to make a commitment that I wouldn’t kill myself, made a list of people and phone numbers of people I could call. That was the first time someone actually cared about me.
There was that contract and I had already given up on the counselling anyway, I just was tried to go to school as much as I could, eventually started talking to more people and making friends. Opened up a little bit, had some friends when I first came, all of a sudden didn’t talk to any of them, was off the grid, walked down the hall with my head down, found myself making friends and being more social. Making changes on my own, depression, still little depressed not to the same extent, exhausted with everything anyway, wasn’t until I made a choice not to. After my son was born, had this being to look after, had to learn pretty quickly, realized that depression is a choice, something switched, pills, weren’t’ the answer, said I didn’t want to depend on anybody.
Still have that problem work 7 days a week, pay for everything, if something goes wrong have a backup plan, maybe I am little to bossy, feel a little entitled sometimes.Work?Penticton Indian band, Mo-Fri. Alliance planning coordinator, on the weekend work on the center for battered women, 12 hours Sat./Sun., still have to go to work after this.
That is part of my anxiety now, have been getting so much anxiety, every time get a rush and my heart goes really fast, think about my job during the week, good worker, always there, get promotions all the time. Don’t enjoy my job right now, not something I want to wake up too. Dread going to work, causing a little bit of anxiety, right now I pay for everything, feel pressure sometimes that I am kind of stuck, have to keep this position, until Owen is out of school, just feel like trapped and not happy with the job during the week. Causing me a lot of anxiety, can’t sleep, but also super tired, can sleep for 10 or 12 hours when I get to sleep, so it is like I can’t get to sleep but when I do don’t want to get out of it.
Again, don’t want to go to the doctor, that’s one of the huge reasons why I am here.Anxiety?Try to keep my mind off of it, work and stuff, when me and Owen are lost in conversations, get really intense heart beating and really fast, try to watch movies, try to wear ear plugs at night, nature sounds and stuff, as soon when I think about it my heart beats really fast. Especially at night, the morning I am not looking forward too, at night I know in the morning I will have to get up and do it again.
Job?
A few different things that cause stress, involves a lot of community engagement a very political job, never worked for a band office before, a lot of interesting stuff happens there, as a community member I don’t agree with. Feel like it is poison, when elections are going on, everyone was trying to use my project as a campaign, land use plan, they want to come to my events, that was stressful for me them being there, being in charges. My boss is just her title going into this position there is no support not training, she hasn’t been re-elected into this position. Everything extras is like pulling teeth, I work alone all the time, I like working with people, delegating tasks, don’t like sitting on the computer on my own. I am such a team worker, leading a team, have always been manager, good at it, passionate about it, working alone is a huge thing for me, bugs me, don’t want too.Management positions?Manager a convenience store, NK MP resort, I was guest services there, was being trained to be the manager by the previous manager, was very excited about it loved it, the only thing was I wasn’t a band member, he trained me, he wanted me to take his place, the Chief said I wanted a band member, I had to train this person, was like a slap in the face. I left took my first position available, land use coordinator.Have been looking for something different again, feel like my issue with that is I have never done something and not succeeded with it, giving up on it feel like failing, if I just walk away, would feel like a failure, maybe I am not thick skinned enough, this political stuff, it is just so crazy for me.
Thinking for my well being need to make a change, just waiting for an opportunity. Prefer not to be band associated, don’t want to anymore after this.DreamsHave recurring dreams of my teeth falling out in junks, spitting them out. When I have dreams they can be really horrific, murders and stuff, either don’t have dreams or have spurts of them, every day, those are hard to sleep, weird and scary, no co relation to anything.
Mostly violent dreams, always involved the death of someone, could be sword fighting or shouting somebody, was very weird
Spiders, a whole bunch of spiders, coloured ones, striped and;yellow and black, spotted, black with red spots a whole slew of them all different colours, like Neon.
Coming at me started with one, some came from a closet, started falling, was in a room at my stepfathers housed, crawling along the hallway and then totally freaked out and woke myself up.
Had a dream about snakes too can’t remember
No fear of snakes.
Fears?
Spiders really bad
Struggled for a long time with dying, when I was younger, have legends and stuff in our culture, being told too young, prophets.
Happening now, have different dimension in our culture 7 dimensions, we are sitting in the middle dimension, look like Indians and we might be able to talk lie them, but we don’t have the culture anymore, the decision whether we will continue or if we are just going to phase out.Spiritual: I always thought I was an atheist, was against Christianity, probably because at the residential schools, the way most Christians behaved, very violent area, that went against our community, blamed Christianity, never was religious even with my own culture, rarely lived on reserves with my own culture, never really had that connection. Even when I was in Osoyoos was all business there, no culture.I think I believe in the creator and I don’t think that I sit where I don’t need to worship in any specific matter, don’t need to go to church, or a sweat or to the river, I just know that there is somebody there and when I need I want we can build a relationship in private.The only thing is that I am insecure in my relationship with my husband, have no reason to, always feel like I need to control things. Even if he goes to visit his cousin, they end up drinking and stuff, his whole family is drinking, I am very against it, feel like very controlling and insecure with that. Cheating on me, being away for a weekend, because I feel insecure.
Good relationship we have been together for almost 9 years, we met when I was 17 years old. Especially with Owens’s health scare that was scaryChildren? They are wonderful, live my life for them, and I don’t spoil them too much, always instill in them the importance of being a good and honest person, very open with them about everything, when we have a loss in the family. They save money and they have a bank card, teaching them stuff early on, stuff that I didn’t know.Me time?
The kids are up north right now, with their grandma, which is good, so weird, the house is so empty, we don’t know what to do.
I sing, as a part of my wellness part, have a complex about it, from when I was younger wanted to sing all the time, they told me to be quiet, never supported that way, will sing in front of a few people, get really anxious and can’t breathe, can’t even do it in front of Owen, has followed me so far. Asked him if I could have an hour a week for 1 hour, if I don’t sing feel like I can’t release anything, when I do sing. What kind of music do you like to sing Hymens, gospel songs, remember my great grandma at funerals and stuff and I have a book and sing them out. That’s my one thing I do for me, I need to do, gets way too much otherwise. Tried getting away for the weekend go somewhere, we have been to cities and stuff, we try to take off, feel like I want to go out there and do something, think it will help my stress but doesn’t work.Anger? I think like I am very irritated, because I am tired and stressed, short leashed sometimes, nit picking, very irritable, feel like I have been like that a lot lately, probably good hat they are there, with kids and stuff.Emotional? The one thing with my sister that even still affects our relationship now, I don’t think she know, she has done a lot of work on herself, incest and stuff, things I don’t even know about, she was raped, she is a lot better now. Can have a conversation with her without hurting her feelings.
Went to choices a self development program, I think I have forgiven her, but haven’t told her, she had her niece, she was so mean to her, and that was a huge trigger, that really bothered me.
Mother?
We are good, when I went to choices, never knew how angry I was at my family, never leaned on them for support, feel like I released that, was able to forgive that.Biological father more in contact now than ever, never been closer, he is around all the time now.Criticism:
Defensive, very fact based, if the facts were there, would really take offense, doesn’t bother me that much, feel very confident cover all my bases.
Worst criticism?
Probably body, she is fat or something like that would bother me quite a bit.
I have a tape like that I am not good enough, always have something to prove, more personal than work related, definitely.I don’t know if I am depressed or just stressed. Don’t feel like I can feel that much, even with Owen, I cry and stop, can’t be super happy or sad, having trouble feeling emotion, feel like numb, except with my kids.Sexually?
It is very hard for me, we are trying to get out of that place, getting to of my mind, stop thinking about everything and just go with the flow, thinking about work or my body image, we both went to choices, helped us opened up more and him too. Who cares be who you are, tough to just let go and enjoy, huge struggle.Periods are fine, always been regular, once a month for 7 days, was on the marina IUD and stopped having periods but now came back, releases hormones every months. Feel comfortable with that, works the best for us, don’t have to worry about taking the pills, tried the shot.Allergies:
Not extreme, different kinds of soaps, can wear perfumes, if I wash myself with soap, get hives and stuff all over my body, if I shower in treated water, get blotches and stuff, was breaking out in hives one time just sitting by a lake, I think it is water and soap, itching and stuff. Hotel soap can’t use, so I don’t react that bad to the water.
No food sensitivity.Digestion:Was on acu-thane, have a lot of acne just hunts me, GP suggested it, side effects was on it for 3 months, went on it again for a month stopped taking them, bowel problems, pain on bowel movements, really soft, when it is moving through the intestines, more constipated, even before I need to go., have to take Tylenol, just had an episode.Food cravings:Never use to eat bad until Owen and I, I don’t care for eating out, when I don’t want to make dinner, nothing particular
Love cheese, goat cheese
During my period, really extreme anything and anything from pop corn to slurpies to pizza, just junk foodAversions:Seafood, have taken Kelp.
Cooked fish.
Olives
Seafood is texture, don’t like the taste of itEat meat everything, try to eat meat and veggies for dinner.Pregnancies: both were good, all natural, first one was about 14 hours, little pain, second one 4 hours lots of pain, with girl really nauseous and sick, uncomfortable no stretch marks with Taylon, with Lona had all stretch marks.
No more children, really happy with them both.Relationship with animals?Used to love them, when I was growing up was taking care of injured animals waned to become a vet, now all I can think of is all the work, she is ping all over the place, less patience for them now, very different now, can’t really make the connection right now. Favorite animal, love cats, just love them, don’t want the responsibility.Feel good just talking about it, certain things I wouldn’t even talk to Owen about it.
Had some sexual abuse when I was growing up, saying things out loud.Nelumbus Nucifera: 64301See Rep. in Complete DynamicsOrder on Scholten’s tree: iron series, silica series, phase 1Strong ambition and work ethnic all she does is workFamily issues and identity issues ( Silica series), stage 3 stuff about idenityPhase 1, naïve quality, child like, not connected with herself in a sense, difficult sexual relationship. Feeling of being a total outsider, not part of the group at all.
Not feeling as part of the family or the tribe, attempted suicideApril 7.13:Thanks for keeping me posted!I had a dream the other day about 2 lions, as weird as that sounds.
One was a male, and the other a female.
It was at my house, where there are two windows besides each other with a little space between.
My daughter was being attacked by the lioness, and my son was behind her trying to hide.
I was watching helpless from inside the house.
I opened the window just enough to grab my son and lift him inside, and shut the window.
I then wen to the other window and threw something out for the lions to chase and grabbed my injured daughter in.
Very odd dream, out of the ordinary so I thought I would share:)
I've also been having very vivid dreams, where I think that events actually happened, or I struggle to differentiate between my dream and reality.May 27.13:Good, and not so good, when I first got my remedy have been having lots of crazy anxiety my heart was beating like crazy. That went away as soon as I took it, the first time I took the remedy felt like a light came over me, wasn’t out of body experience. Was like a casing came over me, what did it feel like> was like protective and enlightening, couldn’t feel my heart beat. Thought that was amazing, for the first 3-4 weeks would have these feelings of anxiety but my heart wouldn’t pound, I don’t know why I can’t feel it anymore. There is time when I can, that was so weird for me, can’t even describe hot that feeling is was amazing.Anxiety?I felt the energy, can barely feel my heart beating, that’s probably how it should be, was almost scared didn’t know what was going on. At first was like I couldn’t feel it at all, but couldn’t feel it, at first wanted to feel it. Now feels that is balancing itself out a bit, some days I can feel my heart beat, but most of the time I can’t. That’s was so weird.
Emotionally felt good, feel like myself, don’t have to hold anything back, feel very comfortable, usually when it is not work related, I am shy and reserved and not able to laugh and have fun. Even with Owens’s family they can be judgmental, never been close to his family. Now I am engaged in more conversations feel like making connection with them. Even with my sister haven’t been holding back so much, didn’t know when had issues with me, wasn’t holding back, didn’t feel so scared.
Feel comfortable in a social setting now, a lot of adjusting I had to do.
On the other side feel more distant from Owen, my Libido is low, can’t even remember the last time we had sex, over a month, very low libido. Don’t know why, if he tries to kiss me or hug me, we have been never like this, don’t know why now, that I feel so, working too much, tired, would rather go to sleep with the little break with have. Maybe because I am working so much and he doesn’t, he doesn’t say anything, I don’t know what is going on.
I feel like I have so much going on and I just need a break from it for a bit. Had a client commit suicide last Monday that was hard hen coming home and not being able to related. Him not understanding that I am going through a rough time, that’s part of me going through.
Put in my notice and my last day was April 29. They have tried to ask me back, I said possible for a contract, my Mom and I and my sister started a business, flexible time wise. If my daughter comes home I can spend some time with here. Went on a field trip with her, will go on a field trip with my son. Owen’ is helping too. We have never had anything like this before, just love him to pieces, feel almost it is too much, don’t know why I want to push away, that hurts him too, feel it is temporary.
Lately he is not really secure here, he doesn’t have any friends, he doesn’t do anything on his own, for me I like going for coffee with my sister, or go to a community event, he doesn’t want to do anything like that all.
When we went to choices at first he was at such a high and then hit an extreme low, normally people are more comfortable with themselves, with him it is the opposite, I feel like he is needier than doing his own thing.
I’ll go to Yoga and do stuff, but he never does anything, or never follows through with it, only does it once or twice. Thinking of what else has happened.
Can’t even imagine not being on this remedy, the Lotus Flower, that’s how much I love it, I think it was perfect for me.
Sleep?
Way better, my heart is not beating like crazy, can fall asleep without a movie now, don’t need that, can just fall asleep, not laying there tossing and turning, getting a lot more sleep than I used to. Don’t wake up that often during the night, maybe once, if at all. Kids are sleeping through, never noticed that before, they have been pretty good.
Still working lots, 6 days evening night shift, I talked to her and said it was too much, need to step back, making much more money doing contract work, she is going to put me on for 3 days, and Sunday will be home day just for the family. Feel really good about that, we can go on a family trip or something, I am excited.
I haven’t been having many dreams at all, had a dream about the suicide the day after not dreaming a whole lot like I used to, never noticed that either.
Digestion:
I haven’t had like little loose bowels, usually have pains and stuff, haven’t had any. Had really bad pains in my lower abdomen was like being in labour, was really extreme made me feel sick and numb, lasted for 4-5 hours, they did all tests and they thought it may have been a burst cyst, the ultrasound that one had burst, showed me the little thing still had a little bit of fluids in it.
Birth control? Marina IUDRemedies:March 26.13: Nelumbo Nucifera 9 CH, 1 pellet daily
May 27.13: Nelumbo Nucifera 9 CH 1 pellet daily