18.15 Gadolinium metallicum provingMeditation proving, seminar group, 30K, San Francisco, 12 November 2000, remedy unknown.
Continued proving, one prover, 12 till 15 November 2000, remedy known.
ThemesPressure in the head.
Spinning, Circles.
Disconnected, Floating feeling.
Tendency to cough.
Theme of fight, war, warrior.
Peace, Calm.
Going up.
Fireworks.
Opening of the heart.
Darkness with one bright spot.
Red / purple.
Throat discomfort.
Prover 1A dark red, shiny car, American with wings, changed into a pick-up.
Eiffel Tower.
Statue of Liberty.
Broadcasting.
Room looks very spacious.
Prover 2Hyper-awareness of sounds.
Thick three-dimensional blackness with light blue spot.
Warmth glowing in my right cheekbone.
Prover 3Twitching sensation of both legs.
Stitching of right forearm.
Exaggerated sense of sound.
If I won’t find love in my own family, I will create another family where I will get love.
Prover 4Pulsating feeling in hands, radiating up arms to the head.
Sensation of heart opening and expanding, constriction in chest relaxing, improved oxygenation.
Pulse of blood flow became much stronger, blood-vessels stronger.
Sense of ocean waves: rocky, turbulent, friends were drowning; I had a fear of drowning and fear of friends drowning.
I saw a circular matrix of black and gray spots before my eyes, obstructing vision; geometric.
All was dark in the room, except for one spot of intense light.
Great peace.
Prover 5Short thoughts, yet feeling at rest.
Body at peace and truly relaxed.
Felt at one with surroundings.
Arms almost limp.
Felt heavy, glued to the ground.
Brief tremor in thighs.
Overall sense of well-being, almost as if in a trance.
Prover 6For about 2 seconds sharp sensation in abdomen (uterus?) and rectum (sticks?).
2 sneezes which felt clearing.
Calm.
Slight pain left lower chest, left or under heart.
Is my sore throat moving up?
Left side of stomach.
Prover 7Just for a second or two heard my own heart beat.
Later for a second sort of vertigo from movement of head.
Emotionally blank, no emotions at all.
Saw purple a little.
Headache went away, came back after the proving.
Acute hearing, disturbed with noise.
Prover 8Intense pressure feeling in head, like the intense pressure from being in a airplane or scuba diving; feeling of it first rising up to head, nausea-like; then the sensation of pressure (atmospheric, barometric) going down, down in the head, as if building up by being pushed downward and condensed- but all inside head.
Then a gulling, dragging to the right side, downward.
Pressure in the sinus, especially frontal.
Vision of fireworks going off, all white, no colors.
Feel like can’t stand up; dizzy.
Prover 9Pressure in chest.
Floating above, enjoying my space, looking at everything below (mainly packed housing).
Heard your voice that says to come back if you’re ready but…
Just want to float and don’t want to quit.
Still feel not altogether here yet.
Prover 10Feeling far away.
Softness, gentleness.
Pain in left thumb joint, piercing.
Eyes, sensation of sand.
Colors mingling and changing, pink, turquoise, yellow.
Softness.
Prover 11
Roaring ocean.
Series of parallel bars, moving and staying always some distance apart.
Aware of beating heart.
Mood happy, almost exhilaration.
Noise.
Loathsome.
Tightness in chest, yet feeling open.
Still feeling tightness, then heart feeling more open.
Prover 12Had a sense of all awareness was on right side.
Heard baby crying in hallway, but only through right ear.
Left side wasn't numb, but no real awareness in it.
Hands were folded in my lap and I realized I was holding remedy in plastic in my right hand, so I shifted it to my left hand. Very slowly right-sided awareness shifted over to the left.
Heard person typing in computer behind me only through left ear. Left side of body seemed to gently wake up, and right side went away.
Prover 13Fire, light, air. The sky is dark.
Jumbly.
Towers, shafts.
Toys.
Going deeper, shooting out.
Soldiers.
Stiff neck.
Many colors.
Prover 14Blackness, a simple pinpoint white light, tiny, the center, lasted a moment.
A purple circular, semicircular band, space behind it is black, almost like a cloud, outer space.
Calmness, like it’s OK with the blackness.
I wanted to see, that was the sense I wanted to use the most.
Urinary desire disappeared (came back later).
Tickle in nose.
Prover 15Relaxation in general, in hip area, uterus and down.
No body sensations, just the vision in front of my eyes, which was mostly black and purple.
Wanting to know more about it.
The center of the purple was the energy, there is a spinning or circular quality to it.
Prover 16First felt nausea and dizzy.
Weakness in arms.
Throat started to burn; acid, sour, in the back of my throat all the way down to chest; hollow feeling in a way, along with raw and burning, starting to get phlegm up.
My heart started racing.
But refocusing on the remedy, I saw or felt a powerful almost warrior-like being; there was some conflict between power and action and fear opening to it.
Prover 17Conflict in the stratosphere of flashing metal and electricity, clashing by instantly shooting back and forth, electronic clashing.
Then a peaceful sunset over the ocean in the South Pacific in a silent world with no people, either prehistoric, not prehistoric, but pre-life or after life on earth is gone.
Prover 18I feel apprehension, some fear about a task that needs to be completed or about something that is expected of me.
Yet, I feel strength, knowing that I will succeed. I feel inner resource.
I feel pressure, tingling in chest area, like my heart chakra is open.
Prover 19Observing, outside.
Forest, green.
Trees, brown.
Old, old people, beard.
Mounted over, a lot to carry.
Mountains.
Red clothes.
Left chest pain.
Left shoulder aching.
Left knee pain.
Right calf burning.
Urgency, darkness.
Climbing up, going down ladder.
Alps.
Winter, snow.
Wisdom.
Low back glow.
Prover 20Opalescent, circular pearl, top dark.
Ancient.
Isolation.
Salivation.
Isolation, sadness, desire connection.
Congestion.
Pi upside down.
Hollow.
Lung, solar plexus extending to throat, nausea, pressure.
Egyptian, ancient writing.
Vision.
Prover 21Contained from the outside.
Head, pressure from forehead, temple, vertex, as if a helmet or a too-small sack is pulled over my head.
Chest: weight, like a brick sitting upon upper chest, anterior, pressing down.
Abdomen bloated, swelling, it’s like a punching balloon.
You look always resilient, but really you always stay in the same place.
Anxiety because of the confinement in all areas, the inability to move, which means inability to serve others, do all that’s need or have autonomy.
Heart beating heavily.
Some lack of feeling, not quite numbness, tingling in extremities.
Prover 22Weightless.
Sinus pressure.
Tighten chest.
Prover 23Emptiness, hollowness at the back of head.
Fullness below.
Linearity that might be confused with a lack of depth, but actually is very systematic.
Prover 24Giddiness.
Heightened sense of sound around me; sounded silly, exaggerating.
Waterfall pouring a glass of water
Scrapes.
Tears.
Prover 26Dread in pancreas, solar plexus.
Anxiety: something big is going to happen, something very unpleasant.
Sensation of flutter, pulsation in pancreas, solar plexus, an energetic awareness.
PostscriptNovember 12, 2000. (Day of the proving)
I didn't want to tell them out loud my written symptoms. I felt that even though I had experienced similar physical symptoms as everyone else, my one and only mental symptom was not mentioned by anybody.
My symptom was: “I realized that I loved myself and why hadn't I realize it sooner”. I didn't want to be the only one to experience this symptom therefore I had someone else read them for me. I was also very weepy and I knew that if I talked out loud I would start crying. I was not embarrassed, but I did not want to seem stupid.
The feeling of inner coldness in my hands and lower arms went away when I got home. It was as if my blood was cold although my skin externally was warm.
My headache on the vertex went to the right side of my neck and stayed there until I fell asleep. My right-sided muscles of the neck and scapula were very tense the whole night. I wanted to be quiet, left alone in the dark. It didn't bother me at all, I was so relaxed.
November 13, 2000I don’t feel like talking which is very unusual for me. I feel calm about it. Usually if I don’t say stuff I feel anxious.
I also don’t have a million thoughts running though my head like I always do. I am just quiet and happy. I talk only when it is necessary to do so.
I feel as if last week was the longest week I have ever had, but not because time passed too slowly. It feels as if last Monday was ages ago.
I am driving so slowly as if I have an enormous amount of time in the world.
I even wait patiently for an appointment without complaining.
I feel like everything I do is in slow motion even though I see people moving about at a normal pace.
I’m talking as slow as a turtle’s gait. It takes too much effort to talk or write.
I feel as if this is the first day of the rest of my life. I am so happy. I love everybody so much. I want to hug everybody and show them how much I love them.
I quote the song by Gloria Gaynor “I will survive”: ‘I have so much love to give, I have so much life to live, I will survive’. I want to tell everybody how much I love them.
My wrists are cracking and my ankles feel so weak. I had rheumatoid arthritis in the past and I still experience some joint stiffness, even though there are no more arthritic symptoms. I'm walking slower than before, my lower shins ache.
I went to my energy healer today and he said that my spine was free of energy blockages. He also told me that he sensed that a big fear or hesitation from my childhood had left me. The way I felt it, was a huge sense of relief and less heaviness in my chest.
I told my husband that I never realized how much I loved him. I told my mom that I loved her and my friends too. These are very important figures in my life.
I am sitting with my back so straight. I have a very good posture.
I feel like stopping everywhere and admiring the view. I walk slowly and look around me. Life is beautiful. I am not pessimistic anymore. It will all work out. I love life and life loves me. God loves me and I love God. My husband loves me and I love him. I am so happy, I want to cry but I don’t need to. Let me live in peace and harmony. I'd like to express my things in writing like a poet.
I couldn't write in class today. I was laughing all the time and I was giggling. The teacher was talking so fast. However everybody else felt it too.
I feel like a little girl in the first day of school.
I am leaning forward with my back completely straight as if something is pushing me forward. I can’t move back.
When I came back from class I talked on the phone with a friend and she told me something that really hurt me. I felt really quiet as if I was mute. I couldn't get my words out, they didn't want to come out of my mouth. I was very sad.
November 14, 2000Last night I had very sexual dreams but I cannot recall the dream or the feeling.
However because of what had happened with my friend last night, I was sad and averse to talking. I felt so sad and alone in this world. I wrote a poem that describes how I felt:
All alone
I feel all alone.
Like a solitary diamond, on its lonely wedding band.
Like a solitary snowflake, falling from the great big sky.
Like a solitary leaf that still hangs from the autumn tree.
Like a solitary cat, roaming though the empty streets.
Like a solitary bird, that in the air has lost its wings.
Like a lonely human being that in his journey has lost his soul.
I also wrote: “I feel like I am falling in this lonely abyss of solitude”
After that day which I spent all day in bed under my covers, sulking in my own misery, I found myself not being able to write anymore and that is why there are no more symptoms described.
Postscript 2I had tightening of the muscle around my heart, which slowly subsided in 20 minutes, and a feeling of peacefulness and openness, which was something that many people experienced. I wanted to add that the feeling of peacefulness continued and a feeling of more courage also and these continued for a few weeks. I also felt more energy and stamina than usual. I think the Gadolinium actually healed any insufficiency my heart may have had.
Years ago someone with a testing instrument tested my daughter and myself and said she had "weak heart”. Anyway after receiving a low-level multi-dose heart remedy, I felt so energized! My daughter had a heart murmur till 4 months old when it repaired itself. My sister has a heart murmur and my mother late in life was told she had one. So it definitely is a family genetic weakness. In my case it's only a slight one that would be unnoticed medically. I think that karmically we are all working on broken hearts. Anyway I wanted to tell you how good I felt for several weeks! I took some Arnica for a sprained finger and lost the great feeling. I’d forgotten it. However I am ordering some more and will give my daughter a dose too.