Tantalum

6.5 TantalumBy Kees Dam and Yvonne Lassauw.Pain the heart region [Gold series], cramping, violent, radiating to left under arm, shoulder and arm; happened again later; > hands under armpits and hunched up shoulders. A feeling of: ‘I am going to die right now’. groaning and moaning, want to cry out for help but can’t. My breathing is audible, as if I am suffocating, with the impression of a decompensation of the heart. It happens very suddenly, is totally overwhelming and feels life threatening. I feel helpless and overwhelmed, I can’t do anything.
I get a vision of a little flower that is being bashed by the waves on the beach. Suddenly a huge wave comes along and that flattens the flower unto the beach. it is lying there all sad and squashed, but is roots are still in place [rooted but still weak, Stage 4 or 5].
Image: a firm cactus that remains upright and lets the water wash over it without being affected.
My voice is trembling, goes up into a little squeak, as if frightened. Making little noises, like, ‘iiih, ooh’ and ‘aah’, not from fear, sooner as a sort of joke [N.B. going from iih, to aah, is going down in tone; is this a compensation?]. After this a sort of hilarious spell, making trilling sounds, humming, mimicking voices and making fun. Jumpy from noises.
Afraid of an impulse to throw hot soup in Kees’ face and then asking him if it hurt.
In bed I had a feeling as if my left cheek was stung by a mosquito, itching and pricking, this sensation moved to between my breasts, (where I developed a few spots), after that to the inside of my right heel, then high up on my forehead, on elbow, knuckles of hands. The sensation on my left cheek is the the strongest, but there is also a strong, stitching sort of itch underneath my right toe that doesn’t go away, worse when I uncover the blankets.
A patient was going to give a seminar on the difference between animal and plant remedies. She said you could see the difference in the patients’ eyes. She was talking about the snakes and how introverted they could appear. (I had been thinking of a snake remedy for her myself).
My mother wants to drive me to the station. My granny is coming with us and an aunt is driving so slowly that I am worried about missing the train. My mother is crying, telling my grandmother how sad she felt when she (my grandmother) died. My grandmother is also visibly moved by this story. I have to go and buy a ticket, so I grab my bags and run to the counter. I can hardly find the ticket office in all the chaos at the station so I shout: ’One Pulsatilla please!’. Fortunately the lady a the desk understands that I want a ticket to Amsterdam. When I run up the stairs to the platform I can see the train leaving. When I get back to the car I notice that all the doors are open and all my bags are still on he seats. Apparently I had forgotten to take them in the rush. Feeling: I am obsessed with the thought of caching the train, like a blinkered horse.
I have a prickling, electric shock like sensation in my chest, let and right side. Before menses quite weepy and sentimental, more sensitive to a kind word and a cuddle.
There is a sort of theatre competition in a small room, an informal space without chairs, with cushions on the floor and children crawling around. Kees has won the first price and I became second. Somebody had gone too far in presenting the image of a manic, half nude person and had tried to get the audience involved. I started crying about a slight quarrel with Kees, who sayd I shouldn’t cry here. Kees’ first place had been a surprise, that is why they showed a video of his winning piece. We see Kees swimming in the water with tears in his eyes. It is a sort of reunion. I also come swimming along (and think: perhaps I shared a bit of the first prize?’). The prize is handed over by Kees’s parents.
Pain in left upper arm, rubbing.
Acute, stitching pains in the region of the liver and right groin, in waves lasting 15-25 seconds.
After the pain another hilarious spell with iih’s, and aaah’s, much movement of the mouth, rhythmic tapping of the feet and singing.
Sudden thought: drinking water is a very important aspect of his remedy.
I get the impression that this remedy isn’t very aggressive. I feel weak and weepy from music (mouth organ).
I get spots on my left shoulder, wrist, and back of hand successively with an itch on the acupressure point 4 of the large intestine, situated on the left hand.
I have to give a speech for a large audience. But a very loudmouthed man wants to steal the show. At first he restricts himself to some funny remarks about a woman who is sitting in the front row, but then he puts a bag over his head so that everybody is forced to look at him. He becomes more and more exuberant and I can’t cope with this. Later on Jan Scholten gives me a hand to get this man to the front row so that he will shut up. But then there are suddenly three more characters like that who begin to shout. Jan tells me: ‘These are all Mongezers (Hyoscyamus type people from Africa) and you’ll never win. Now they are all leaning across the table with my lecture notes: ‘How on earth will I be able to manage?’
A man who had fallen in love with me was trying to make contact. He was using all his charm to get my attention, a real perseverer. I wasn’t interested, so I locked all the doors and windows of the house and pretended I wasn’t there. Then he started to push presents like earrings and bracelets through the letterbox. I changed my telephone number about five times but they still managed to find me.
I feel there is no antidote for this remedy.
A have been given the opportunity to appear in a t.v. programme but I have to be very careful that nothing will happen to spoil my plans.
I give large amounts of money, about f. 100, to a beggar in the street. This happens three times and I also give a large sum to two women who are selling something.
It was a bit naive of me because they will probably spend the money on drink. I would have been more sensible to buy them something useful like a coat or something.
A tramp in the park with thick eyebrows and a thick coat is taking ‘Parkinson like’ little steps backwards, as if he is retreating from some danger and will soon be pushed back up against a wall [Stage 5]. (This man does live in the Vondel park in real life and does show this kind of behaviour).
I see lots of silver earrings and also an ugly white cupboard with many beautiful decorations, as if to hide its ugliness.
One of my patients is taking some money out of my purse. I try to protest but when she takes an even more authoritative stance and says that it is her money I quickly try and pacify her saying: ’O,K., O.K., it is your money, I totally trust you!’
A strange, untrustworthy man has to shake my hand. He was always carrying a sharp piece of glass to hurt others with. So I try to avoid giving him my hand, but if I have to I’ll do it in such a way that he can’t harm me.
Catharina had had to work very hard on the farm she runs with Wim. I thought: ‘Why should she have to do all that as well, she has plenty of work bringing up two children and studying at the same time’. She was totally exhausted and was leaning on her right shoulder. I asked if she at least had been given some money for her labours and she said: ‘eh, no I didn’t. I wondered whether she had asked or money and she said again: ‘eh, no’ (Heavy, tired, exhausted.)
Vomiting, tough mucus in throat.
I can’t go on, everything is so too much, too heavy [Gold series], as if a ton of bricks is resting on my body, I haven’ got the strength to tackle anything.
Too tired even to sit, to eat, to work. I wish I were dead. I cancel my patients’ appointments. The worst thing about is that I won’t earn any money today. The feeling of pressure, as from a lump of concrete is mainly situated in the upper part of my body, the elasticity has gone. I can’t cry even, although it would probably bring some relief. I can’t have an organism, it did happen, but I did not feel it. (A week later this whole day seemed to have been erased from my memory).
Image: a vagina [Gold series], with a large thick earthenware dish in front of it, which was broken down the middle (grey, orange). It was so heavy that it broke.
I took of my rings and I did not put them back on for a week, the imprints of the rings are still visible on my fingers.
I suddenly feel that I should give a message to a friend. I am walking and walking, in a countryside with high, thick hedges. I am searching, but I can’t ask anything, I have to go ahead now. Then I see her house, overgrown with ivy and rather low down, as if it had sunk into the ground. I find her in a shed busy doing the washing. She is too thinly dressed for the time of year although she is very ill. I suddenly realise I have forgotten what message I was going to give her, I had been to fixated on finding her house. She is happy to see me and not at all surprised. She takes me inside for a cup of coffee. Inside a man in waving a duster over the sitting room table. He sands up but doesn't’ offer to make the coffee. He says in a flat voice: ‘I was planning to leave this house anyway, although my girlfriend doesn’t know this yet’. I am shocked, thinking ’She’ll need some Ignatia quickly’.
I have a desire for physical activity like walking. It doesn’t feel like an exertion, I could go on forever. I am running around like mad. It is a case of having to, to stay abreast of the opposition and the forces that are stronger than myself.
Periodicity: seven days.
A strange feeling in my head, right in the centre. A sort of fainting, with a fear that I won’t be able to use my brain anymore. It is not like fainting from lack of air, it is not a light headedness, more a dull pressure from several points towards one spot. A feeling of pressure towards the back, as if something is going to be switched off and you’ll control over your brain. It is as if my head moves backwards because I am powerless to give contra pressure. It was worse when I had to concentrate or look my patients in the eye. After playing the piano (Harlem nocturne) I felt more relaxed.
Image: foreigner, man with black, hair in tight curls, lots of gel, hair running down into his neck (like the Mongueze in the previous dream).
Feel threatened in a foreign country by a group of men who want to rob me. I can’t do anything to prevent it. A nice shop is heavily fortified with lattice iron railings. I found a strong piece of blue sheeting which I grip tightly while I float just above ground level, like a sort of surfing.
I feel as if people are spying on me., I would like to bury myself in a hole in the ground. I can’t find my shopping list and I immediately think the Mongeze people have taken it.
I repeat things I have just said, either because I forgot I had said it, or because I want to make sure that it has been heard.
I am constantly checking things, whether the door is locked, whether I have put my purse in my bag, that sort of thing. And even then I still forget.
Discharge from right ear (before that from left ear).
Tough mucus in throat with retching, worse mornings.
Tired and sleepy but can’t go to bed, can only sleep on the sofa or the floor.
I was looking for a students flat in a good position and a nicer view. The road was very steep [Stage 5, 4-8]. There was a notice on the side of the road saying the incline was so many percent, followed by an exclamation mark. When you looked at it you would lose all hope of ever getting up that hill [discouraged, Stage 5] before you had even tried it [Stage 5]. We did walk a little way up, but soon felt we couldn’t go on. It was almost impossible, like walking up a steep rock face, and when you stood up straight you could fall backward any moment.
Pushy people asking me to marry them. A woman had had an accident and three men came up to her and started making advances. One man wanted to marry me to get a residence permit. Another man followed one of the women all the time and even asked for her telephone number.