Sense proving, 27-3-2021, Utrecht, Ursula Bleeck-Dähnrich
IntroductionSmall "sapling" with long fixed style.
At the lower part of the styles, which are connected, there is a thickening.
The green part is soft and vulnerable.
Odor: musty, slightly fishy smelling.
C1/1I am something special.
When rubbing, the scratching sound is annoying - the plant parts cannot be rubbed (until the end of the C1 exam).
Defiance rises in me and a deep pain under the defiance.
I need the defiance as protection. So I make myself invulnerable.
To the outside I show a different image than what I really feel.
I withdraw into a childlike world.
C1/2I scream: "Stop", but am not heard
I destroy myself. I separate myself from myself, otherwise I can't stand it
As a "distributor" I experience two states:
The dissociated child.
The snooty adult who says: "I can't be hurt anymore" and is disconnected from her emotions.
An inner voice that says, "I don't care what you do to me".
In scratching: Scratching is like a relaxation - a release of pressure - the pain becomes bearable.
The image: a woman who is beaten and abused or mistreated and sees no way out for herself.
C1/3I can only think half sentences; my thoughts escape me
The plant material is still there.
My right arm hurts and I get tired.
I become numb and do everything mechanically. I am not connected to what I am doing
"I must be quite neat".
I am locked in my world and no one can get to me.
C1/4I build my own world. It doesn't bother me that I am like behind a wall of glass. I look into the other world, but it does not touch me.
I am tired and absent-minded, dull.
A state like mentally handicapped.
Scenes from the movie "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" appear (schizophrenia, catatonia).
C1/5Pictures of different manifestations of schizophrenia.
Images from the movie "King of the Fishermen".
A strong feeling of hatred "I'll get them down too, the way they destroyed me".
I no longer know who I am or was; I am destroyed in my very being.
Dull, dull-witted.
C1/6I am bored
Thoughts of "I want to get out of here. But how?" And at the same time afraid of the "world outside".
I clench my teeth.