Proving, 27-3-2021 and days before and after, Utrecht.
Provers: Petra Balloch, Ursula Bleeck; Britta Dähnrich, Susanne Diez, Franz Swoboda.
Trituration; Britta Dähnrich (B), Susanne Diez (S), Ursula Bleeck (U), Franz Swoboda (F).
Trituration: Elisabeth’s proving
Meditation proving.
I am very sensitive to noise right from the start and have to wear earplugs to mute as much external noise as possible.
1. The moss refuses very much to be rubbed down, smell of seaweed, own world, parallel to "reality".
Goose shower down right leg and arm; feel like I've arrived home; it makes me quite happy just doing something as simple as scratching. The song of the Arve ( book title ): the simple and good life of the mountain farmers.
2. I was so much in need of contact. Now I am coming to peace with myself and am quite happy with myself. Again goose shower in arm and leg; it is a pleasant shower; I am allowed to do things slowly and quietly; images that disappear again very quickly; I do not want to make anything in a loud or hectic way, everything should be done in its time, very thoughtfully.
3) I am happy within myself, I don't need anything from outside, only gentle rubbing, I do not want more; totally annoyed by any disturbance; sensitive to noise; my mind says: you must be experiencing something great, exciting; but the present moment alone is wonderful.
4. I swing in rhythm, slowly, in my own rhythm; rubbing in the usual way doesn't fit, it should be different, in a different rhythm; the other way round is better; hot flushes in face and upper body. I try it briefly without earplugs, but lose the feeling for myself; I feel like I'm purring like a cat! Is this a remedy for slow developers who are pushed to perform?
5. Again pleasant goose showers; whether I rub or not doesn't really matter; I'm just in the feeling, I can't describe that properly, maybe a baby feels like that? No understanding, just feeling; that's timeless without intention, without goal, just like that.
6. Like silver light in the bowl; I am blissful; peace and silence; whether I scratch or not, it makes no difference; acting is not important.
I feel like I've "come down" after C1, focused on what is essential, away from everyday life, from hustle and bustle: the moss is great, gives a sense of security and rest in oneself without having to do anything. It's as if something is hugging me.
At night I feel very cold, even an extra blanket is not enough; as if the legs are icy.
Susanne dream before C1This time I had a dream the night before (I went to sleep with the plan to triturate C1 this morning) clearly related to "moss", as "The Moss" also appeared several times in the dream.
I am in a room on an upper floor of a house, in a kind of "tower room" with many windows, light and airy. New additional curtains have been fitted to the existing light sheer white curtains in front of each window. The new curtain is also white and sheer, but heavier and tighter than the existing ones, and is fitted inside the lighter ones, whereas usually the lighter curtains are on the inside. It is made of one big piece that goes almost the whole room round. I find that impractical, because then you have to move the whole curtain when you want to open a window. But I don't complain about it, I think to myself that I'll manage - it's just the way it is now. Then there are dream parts about "moss" and the feeling that I am small and weak, not unpleasant, not helpless and needy, rather frugal and modest. Further images are not remembered.
Half asleep after waking, I think the curtain has to do with security and "good protection", being airy and light and transparent but still firm and you can push it aside, albeit somewhat complicatedly, if you want to open the windows.The room appeared more and more like an almost glassy tower room. Hölderlin's tower room came to my mind, which was certainly not glassy but an inner world lifted off the real world. Interestingly, after this dream I felt better in the morning than the days before, softer, more open, less exhausted.
Drawing by Susanne after C1Susanne C1 9:45
Remembering the dream I see myself in this room, well protected at an airy height. The floor is now covered with soft green moss, fairy hair of the earth, fur of the earth. The curtains blow airily from the wide-open windows, like a dream capsule for Snow White.
In the middle of the room lies a small egg, and when it breaks open, a Thumbelina sits in it. Looking closer, it is like a worm or a small dragon. A small snake develops from the egg, this snake egg. "The Fairy Tale" by Goethe comes to my mind - the whole life in the cocoon - a double cocoon (room capsule and egg shell). All life, the whole world develops from this moist soft germ.
Time in a nutshell.
Hölderlin-Scardanelli in his tower room: how he travelled through times and myths, writing poetry, dreaming, aloof, misunderstood, having moved from the world to his own inner cosmos.
You can leave the world even if you are still in it. I imagine breaking the shell of space and time open... I am everywhere - all just one place and at the same time infinite places nested inside each other. Linear time suspended in a single "Now".
"Half of life": life is still growing into completion.
In the tower room of consciousness a new dimension is born that still speaks in riddles; still a glass coffin making the border between "life" and "death" translucent - the limitation, the dividing line that applies to the bodies, not to "looking".
In the middle of the room now sits a king cobra with raised head, it holds a shell made of the remains of the eggshell - in the shell a seed - an egg - a developing one - a small king cobra wriggles out.
Implosion... growth inwards, after the outer growth, the hypertrophy on the outside has collapsed. Infinite becoming in rhythm - outwards, inwards.
While Hölderlin disappears for the world, grows old and sick, and while he decays, his inner consciousness grows. A foreign language. Speaking in tongues, the language of wind, water and stars.
I am lost to the world.
And what will come has always been among us.
The room is now like a nest high up in a tall, strong, upright coniferous tree, in a beautiful, dark coniferous forest. "In the fir".
Cradled in the wind, held by strong branches, half shady half sunny, in the resinous fragrance - free.
It is not the time of men: before or after?
I try to ask the moss a question – while its absurdity is obvious: I am tiny, the moss is big. I am limited to my small question and imagination, the moss is wide and open. My questions are like those of a narrow-minded person to a wise man, or of a narrow-minded "clever" person to a child.
Who are you? - The moss replies: “What a question... any answer you might expect would limit my being.”
I open the windows of my tower room. I break the shell open. What can I do for you?, I ask the moss. I know the question is ridiculous. The moss smiles: “You can listen to me. Humbleness opens the "door" to your inner being.”
Franz C11. I feel cold, instantly. Whole body freezing. The bowl feels too cold in my hand to hold it firmly.
See myself picking up something. What is it? A match?! Suddenly it is clear where and who I am: in the fairytale The Little Match Girl (by Hans Christian Andersen).
Now stop, isn’t that a bit too quick?
2. “You cannot change the story. The girl will die. That is how the story goes. Do not try to alter it. You sympathise with the girl, that is understandable. But you cannot change her fate. She is here to die, that’s for sure. That is how her story goes.”
3. (I feel hungry, but refuse to take anything.)
“Father, if you do not let this girl in, if you do not allow us to feed her, I will never eat again.”
The father yields, aware of his daughter’s firmness, invites the starving girl into the house.
4. The girl looks a bit lost, does not say a word. She is offered a seat at the table, takes some spoons of soup, slowly, then stops. She stares into the distance. She must be cold, in her light clothes, there is snow outside. Yet, she does not try to warm herself.
( I know how the story ends. I knew it from the very first moment on. That came all of a sudden. But I try to neglect it, try to find an alternative, change the outcome. I know I will fail, yet I try.)
5. After a while, eyes are no longer focussed on her. The family members are communicating with each other and the girl is unobserved. In such a moment, she must have left the house. The door staying open, it gets colder in the house. Then they realize that the girl has gone, disappeared in the dark.
(A remedy not so much for the starving – they need food and shelter. It is more a remedy for those who care for the dying. They shall be able to realize the time to say farewell.)
6. Don’t impose your helper syndrome to everyone. It can be hard to leave this world. If there is someone who tries to stem the tide, it is even harder. Be in tune with people, give in to their wishes, feel their needs, instead of standing in their way. Both shall be able to say farewell. That is what it is about.
Still freezing.
Ursula C1Smells like damp earth
Vulnerable: the moss screams, does not want to be torn out of the compound
- "I can't fight back"
- Still loving feeling
- The taste is neutral
C1/1
- "I serve with joy; endure suffering in return"
- Easy to grind
- "I quickly connect with a purpose and serve. I know I will not be destroyed in the process.
- Everyday thoughts upset me: "Why are you upset? Everything is fine as it is.
- Hard to detach through scratching => "I connect with everything that is".
- Child bouncing on a meadow of flowers, completely connected with being and doing
- Inner smile
C1/2
- Small root parts cannot be grinded - resistant
- Smile remains
- I am sad because people destroy this peace / beauty
- How can I serve the whole?
- I experience time differently – grating seems endless
- Deeply connected feeling: it has always been this way - it will stay this way
- "You can't detach me" (a child’s voice) => child that can't be separated from mother
- Separation is violent
C1/3
- Happy to meet like-minded people - I approach them in a friendly way and accept them
- Childlike
- Together everything is easier
- I don't want to grow up - then it gets harder; makes me sad
- Tension in my back
- the bowl seems to weigh tons
- I detach myself from the outside world; burdensome/pressing/heavy, makes me sad
- In a crowd the connection/attachment gets lost
- Who am I in a crowd?
- As long as I connect myself with the child, everything feels ok.
C1/4
- As if thoughts search a way, but they can't – tingling in the brain
- I cannot think - only feel
- 6 minutes feel like eternity
- Boredom / indifference
- Pain joints in hands + shoulder
- The material in the bowl is crumbly - does not connect anymore
C1/5
- I shut down internally - dissociative state
- I am not seen in the crowd with what I have to say
- As soon as I connect with less material (at the bottom of the bowl) I reconnect with myself, which makes me cheerful
- Cold feeling in thighs
- I am indestructible
- Group of dark figures threaten me => retreat to the inside, it feels safe there, just a smile
- Others are present - great. But inside I am happy with myself – I am one with myself
C1/6
- Again in the meadow
- I do not perceive the others around me
-
Autism?
- Childlike: everything is centred around me
- Pulling feeling right sinus
- Identified with adult: What do you want from me?
- As a child: happy / connected / retreating into this state
- Frontal headache
- Song: "Li la lu - I'm not closing my eyes" (in the original it says: close your eyes) - feeling of defiance
- I am playing with the material, singing “patty-cake”, a German nursery rhyme.
C2 zoom Britta, Ursula, Susanne, Franz 26.3.2021C2/1 F writes:
B: A spiral downwards, concentration inwards – outer world vanishes
U: I am different. There is light, warm yellow light. I realise the outer world, but it does not affect me. I am totally connected with myself.
S: A spiral fits with my C1. The second snake arose from the first one. Growing inwardly. The outer world crushes, growth and development turn inwards. That feels fine.
Light, like the room in the tower, light and airy.
B: Hard to express verbally, like in C1. Nice round feeling. Good and enough. No need for more.
U: Great inner wisdom. Looking behind the curtains.
S: esoteric/curtain- Hölderlin becomes Scardanelli.
U: Only few have access.
B: I might be different, outwardly and inwardly.
S: Seen from outward, Hölderlin was crazy. Inside, he was Scardanelli.
Strange smell from the bowl: musty ponding water.
C2/2 (B. writes)It is good to rub via zoom: you can open the button of your pants.
Defiant. I do not reveal my wisdom, you can rub as long as you want. Wisdom needs to be protected; the inside protects from change?
I am Scardanelli now. If anyone wants something from me, I pretend to be crazy, the madman, I am Scardanelli. Is there a need? Not for me. Those are in need who don't understand - laugh - I've never been that one – laugh.
The ones outside, they want a change; as Scardanelli, I would only have a need, if the others want something from me, which I don't want, like to leave my tower; e.g. to make politics or to work. As long as I am Scardanelli, it's fine.
By being connected to myself, I serve the community, I am experiencing/sensing something important for the future world.
A desire for change comes from outside. Inside, there is strong resistance; like an encapsulation? Change is not even a question to me; yet a lot changes inside; requires for a change from outside, do not bother. As long as I am Scardanelli, I have my poetry, my dreams. The outside does not understand. The outer world misses the essence, misses the moss; as if the moss was higher developed and my question was insignificant. The wisdom in the bowl is greater than mine.
Reminds me of young children with their great wisdom.
C2/3 (U. writes)Development inwardly; but basic needs have to be fulfilled from outside, or I lose life.
- Seems unimportant; as with C1: the boundary between life and death is transparent. It's not a question; it's already suspended, as with Scardanelli. He got food and wine. But that was not essential to his being. Not important if he stays alive, or no longer will.
- For spiritually developed people food is no longer important. They are nourished by something else.
- Baba: "If I was born in the West, they would have put me to a psychiatric hospital.“
- Fits with C1: two worlds, inside and outside. What happens if the outside world demands anything? Incomprehension. The outside world does not understand. These are problems of the outer world, not of the inner one.
-Experience from practice: the healthiest come to our offices. The others have a problem with them because they can't cope with it: reversed pathology.
- OK, inner wisdom is great, but these people don't realise when their underpants are dirty.
- No problem seen from inside: change levels.
- Outside questions do not arise as long as I am in the inner world.
- What if I only had to be on the outside?
- I can be outside, but if I imagine I would have to sell earrings in a department store, this would be a separation from my world.
- From outside, it appears as a denial. From inside: Why are you forcing me out?
- The inner world defends itself fiercely.
- Encapsulated? No, I am open. But what others regard important does not interest me.
- There is no connection with the irrelevances of our existence.
C2/4 (S. writes)There is no connection with the banalities of existence?
There is, one looks at them, but they are not important; but one is not cut off.
The outer world stays open, on another level; I don't necessarily need others to understand me. It's a different kind of consciousness.
F: From outside it looks like this: everyone who is in this consciousness does his thing not caring about how it might look from outside. He doesn’t care who will prepare his food or does his laundry. Similar with the girl with the matches: you bring her in and offer her soup, but the girl is no longer interested, she is already somewhere else. From outside it looks as if we were saving her. A profound misunderstanding.
S: I was touched. Feels like the misunderstanding you may have with a spiritual experience, which makes you, from a materialistic point of view, look crazy or "esoteric".
U: Reminds me of a book in which a girl is not understood by her father, who continues to say: I don't understand you. It would require openness to realise what this wise child wants to bring to the world.
B: Sadness. The moment I try to get in touch with the outer world on purpose, it is as if I am pulled down from this level. As soon as I want to get in touch with the world outside, there is a lack of understanding. I am sad because I am not understood. It almost tears me apart.
S: I feel very sad.
F: Like I was sad yesterday in C1: Imagine, someone is about to leave (to die) and you react like doing things for the sake of doing things. there is no contact.
S: Reminds me of my mother's death. She was already dead but the paramedics said they had to resuscitate her for two more minutes. I shouted at them, I knew something completely different would be needed. It was cruel.
Two levels of consciousness meet: the body has to be preserved, and there is this other dimension, a different one. The outside world, which is driven: I have to do this.
Like when someone is dying and you continue to feed him or put a stent in his heart, continue chemotherapy, telling him "you’ll be okay".
C2/5 (F writes)F: Finally, the moss will win. The doing for the sake of doing will stop.
B: After the grief - an opening. The chest widens. Vulnerability changes. A small step towards resolution of the dilemma of within/without, light and cheery. The heaviness of “They do not understand me” merges with the other world and it turns out there’s nothing wrong with it. At least, it goes this direction, it’s not quite there.
U: It’s like it is. They won’t ever understand me. I stay with what I know and feel. At some point they will realise that it is right. - B and S: No objection.
U: No need to adjust. I know the truth. High spiritual state. (B and S agree.)
S: Have to accept the outside world, won’t missionize. But I stay with my conviction/belief, undeterred.
U: Sad, that the others do not realise.
S: I was just about to say the same. Feels good to be on the same level with someone.
U: A strong feeling of being connected, at the same level.
F: From outside, it needs much love not wanting to change this state.
B: It requires love from both sides.
S: Seen from inside, it needs patience. Not pushing the ones outside to understand faster. And one has to endure sadness. Sadness, because the ones outside, in the unconnected world, they need time.
C2/6 (B. scwritesreibt)Imagine, they take Scardanelli to a doctor who tells him to wash his pants. Scardanelli sees what a long way he has to go; what a pity to have to go so far. Stay confident, stay by yourself, be patient.
I can't contribute that he reaches this level, that's up to a higher power; there is no feeling of powerlessness, but of knowledge and reverence, humbleness: it is what it is.
F. It was this girl who saw the starving girl outside. It was her who forced the father to bring the girl in, her to understand what was at stake: perceiving someone’s condition and dealing with it. Like an adult should deal with someone who can't speak or who is dying; it's a world where you have to feel and be sensitive. If you think you know what the other person needs instead of feeling it, it goes wrong.
You can't verbalize what it's about, the moss says. There are no words for it; poetry or music might help. Poems have points in between. So have Hölderlin’s.
Physical rude touch would annoy me, even laying hands on me during the process of dying.
What will work is a connection via sound, in the sense of vibration.
When we triturated a Bacterium, there was a different sound. It was a basic, underlying sound. Here it is more like a sound-vibration-communication between two beings.
Tower/cold baby/ and the other who is outside: through sounds a connection might be possible.
You may have to let go someone who is dying. You do not touch him, but sing. The girl went out into the dark and cold – no connection.
Exchange after C2So far the mosses have been about the world of children and disabled people. But it can also be the one of a highly spiritually developed person.
B: We learned about an unknown feature of mosses. There has always been a wall impossible to penetrate. Now we could. For understanding a moss you have to enter that world, otherwise it closes, it shuts off. This I feel deep inside. It can be the world of a crazy person or one with dementia. And it could be the one of a spiritually highly developed person. A glimpse of this idea came with
Anomodon viticulosus, when a magician said: “It is so close to your reality – you have to have the eyes to see it.”
Michal Yakir writes in “
Spectrum” that non-flowering plants would be important in a crisis. They survived many crises. Understanding this profoundly. Mosses are ubiquitous but undervalued, in their meaning and their individuality.
U: What is this crisis about? It is about change of consciousness. Change of consciousness, not lack of it.
F: Imagine two musicians, both deaf-mute. One visits the other, who is sick. They follow the score of a piece they both like. They laugh and cheer while “listening”, “hearing” the music, sharing
this unique experience.
At this point, we remain silent for quite a while. This silence was a special one. A sort of connectedness you do not want to end. We stayed together. No one said a word. At some point, it was unclear if the internet connection was still intact. Would not have made a difference. Would not have affected or disturbed this deep connectedness.
…
U: From a dream, I just remember a sentence: “Why don’t you listen to what I always have told you?”
Addendum S: After the C2 felt very cold in the evening, internally.
Next day:Silent Meditation with the Utrecht group
while F & S start triturating
Anomodon attenuatus C3
Silent meditation, notes from S:I feel isolated, cut off, increasingly angry. Hölderlin in his fits of anger when people from outside wanted something from him and brought "worldly" things to him. “What they think is important out there is not important to me. I want to be left alone in peace. Why do you care about so many unimportant things?”
- Hölderlin, you must eat and drink. And people want to listen to you. They mean well for you, even admire you and want to learn more from you.
- “Curious pack. They should care about themselves, look at themselves. The outside world is so irrelevant to me. Why do you all care so much about minor things of everyday life? Why are you forcing me into that? You are so narrow-minded. You say I am crazy and unable to cope with my life, you lock me up in the tower. Yet it is you who are unable to free your mind, your are full of concern for trifles. What are you afraid of?”
(S. begins to rub)Sadness for not being understood. A gap even between me and friends out there. They care about me which is kind and generous, but they miss how I could really be one with them. Between us there is friendly concern, but incomprehension. That is sad.
Do they understand my poetry? Or do they just admire it because they want to be nice? Or do they hope to profit from it? To gain praise for themselves for saving my creations from destruction?
They understand nothing of the spiritual. They think I destroy my sheets when I tear and burn them. While I just save them at another level.
C3/1 und C3/2 Zoom-Meditation in Verbindung mit Utrecht
Notes from F, triturating, while the others are in silent meditation:
C3/1 Arms and hands entangling, many of them, they all try to grasp at me, get hold of me. I do not like that, it frightens me, it is violent, hurting, stitching, pressing, cutting. What are they doing to me? I do not want that. “You have to endure that”, they tell me. It hurts, I am scared, I cannot move, cannot defend myself, have to bear it. But it’s unbearable. They destroy me. “This is for a testing, many will benefit from it”, they say. But I cannot stand it. I do not want to be a moss anymore! But I cannot move.
In all that distress, I start hearing a sound in the bowl. I listen closer, it is a welcome distraction, it makes me feel the pain a bit less. Try to listen carefully. A steady sound. What could that be from? What makes this kind of sound?
It sounds like a dough-kneading machine. Rhythmic, round and round, a rhythmically changing tune, nice and easy, it distracts me from the pain. I think I will endure the pain, that way.
C3/2F: I am a young lad, an apprentice in a bakery. Staring at the huge dough-kneading machine, I just cannot move, I am completely absorbed in the sound of the machine, its turning and its rhythmic sound. It calms me down.
Then the boss enters the bakehouse he shouts at me: “Hey, pal, that’s not gonna work. Move, move, there’s plenty of work to do.” Just - I can’t. I can’t move. Following this rhythm and motion and sound is so soothing, so nice. I can’t help standing there and listen. Swaying a bit with the tune, but more internally than visible. Seen from outside, I think I am quite calm. I am in my own world.
Texte der Meditation/ meditation textsHelena:
Functionally organized. Nothing is too long or too short. A lot of togetherness, sovereignty, long term vision. Covering what is behind it but there is nothing special, it is not about special. As if you keep something behind but there is nothing special. Somehow it is gigantic but that also is not important. Touchable but it probably will not feel nice. Too moisty? Suddenly there is a flame of anger and I want to tear it off the tree! But it won’t matter, it will have no effect. As if you will not have effect on some part of it. It will always stay as it is.
It will not be triggered, pushed in any direction, it will stay as it is whether you injure it or nourish it… There is some coldness although it is vulnerable. Lack of connection although we are with many. It’s not what it seems to be, soft and nice to touch, it ‘s lonely. Not empty but when you feel it is more difficult to endure, so better be where you are and stay there. No movement, no warm development. No joy in motion as we humans can have. But we’ll keep the earth alive. We’ll cover it and endure. And stay. Tough.
Sandra:Sensitive to noise
The rubbing noises of my colleagues remind me of a respirator and are almost unbearable.
Organs, face, as if split in two, stiff,
bleeding, abdomen
Pain lower back
Can be good alone, strength contrasted with desire for connection, embrace, leaning on, desire for support,
Depth, calm, wisdom, enlightenment
Just being, deep rest
Reconciliation of the sexes is important, embrace between man and woman, both energies,
Perfect state of being
Strength, as in tender embrace, covered, embraced in soft, tender blanket
Connectedness, interconnectedness is the solution, in love and tenderness, cosy
Monika:"Difficult access"
At the stream and waterfall and this place different soil, more lime
My perception: A path into another world, accompanied by the sound of footsteps (feet in wooden shoes), a bit like shuffling.
But also like in flight, images from a drone and like a maelstrom.
I come to a simple village, memories of an experience in Lesotho almost 67 years ago come up, when I had climbed the steep hill behind the house in the morning and there I also came as if into another world, with the Sunday noon sounds of a hidden, remote village. Children playing, the smell of fire, people call out to each other, the grinding of grain in the archaic stone bowls. Without any background noise from another world, as if in a vacuum.
But here, now, the feeling of danger creeps over me, the horsemen, the Cherchenes, the Huns, the...?
The scraping sound reminds me of frogs. It is an in-between or parallel world. Today on the journey we already had the topic of parallel worlds that govern us or in which secret money flows and other things that are hidden from us exist and determine our reality. Where secret studies, records, plans for catastrophes (or pandemics) are forged. Reality is not the same as reality? Secret societies!
Questions, doubts.
The moss on the tree acts like a protection from the outside world and yet also like a wall of secrecy. The inner life is not revealed, must be protected. One is separated from the inside, from the real. Led astray.
You can't hear any sounds any more, it's just crackling! Is the haunting over?
Petra:In my head like windscreen wipers moving from outside to inside.
I have many horizontal layers in my body.
The layers in my body are not yet permeable.
Simultaneously these layers are in the cosmos.
Juicy, fluid, still separated, the connection will happen.
The noise of the trituration is very loud.
It pumps between the layers.
It goes from up to down, in my body as well.
Pulling down, coming down.
It will take a long time.
At some point I will be in the other layer.
I do not know how.
I have enough time.
It cleans.
It goes into the legs.I want to stand up, move.
I am standing. My body tilts backwards.
My body tilts in a past of ancestors and former lives.
I want to go on.
Besprechung nach der MeditationExchange after the meditation
Britta: With
Anomodon viticulosus, there was the idea of another world, right next to reality, it would just need eyes and ears to realise. “You're making it too complicated.” Anomodon now has opened the way. So far, there was a wall with the mosses I could not go through. Now it opened.
From the everyday world into a state which is often not understood, a level of high consciousness, making happy. Coming down from everyday madness, calming, like when someone takes you in the arm, saying "Everything’s fine.”
F. Girl with the matches: another girl, strongly feeling how the poor girl is, asks her into the house- the girl, ready to die, gets involved for a moment, but then leaves. That’s fine, you cannot change reality.
The everyday world has a concept how to deal with crazy or dying people. But it needs to establish a deep connection and understanding. That is not feasible with the spirit of everyday life. Dirty trousers don't matter, he's still fine. He is in a beautiful world, not a threatening one.
U: Anger about unbearable noises from outside, destroying my inner world. Sitting crouched as a child, it feels unbearable that my sacred world is not given enough space.
I: open arms from the beginning, many open arms, like women forming a chain, embracing the misery of the world; like an entirely open heart chakra. Then everything is wet inside, depressed. Out of love for my Saviour I want to die, Matthew Passion, love is so wide, dying and resurrecting, the strong power from the open whole, women kindly protesting and protecting, tears about doing without hope what one thinks it has to be done.
U: I am open, I love this world, my task is to serve the world, but the world does not understand me.
Jan: Phoenix from the ashes; sinister reasons from the unconscious; a threat you don't quite understand or fear you can't control it (that is what the outside world experiences), sinister forces from the unconscious are peeking around the corner.
I: Help, serve – but not understood by others. They are almost stronger. No, they are not. But it takes a lot of power.
S: Fear? Only the outside world is afraid. “The others” are afraid.
Sexes embrace.
M: The primeval village, Lesotho, ascending the mountain on a Sunday morning, those nice rhythmic noises. But fear: it will not last. Will riders come? Powerlessness?
B: As long as I am with myself, I do not feel powerless. I can retreat inside.
J: A powerful side.
I: Very much so.
J: Maybe a common moss theme.
I: We are stuck in our position. Mosses can exchange functions.
J: They are less specialised.
B: In fact, a primal state. Not primitive. Our mind prevents us from feeling it.
I: We use our cortex so much that we forgot how to use the old structures in our brain. Allow it. With the ancient plants wisdom will come, for the individual and for the collective. The others do stupid things and seem stronger. But in reality they are not strong. They just strive a lot.
Patients who come to our offices are often healthier than those who don't come.
The embrace of sexes – soft, wide, like in a cosy coat. Everything connects. Spirit of community.
M:
Cultures without language. Will we relearn to deal without speech?
B: Our trituration via zoom, intellectually seen – isn’t it impossible?
M: Everything is connected. But there is a blockage, we cannot think about reaching this sphere.
P: The circle closes. Mosses came to me to Hölderlin Street. I was angry when I received the envelope with the mosses. All of a sudden I felt fine. The windshield wipers in front of my head, layers of moss in front of my body, juicy but impermeable at first. The sound was like a pump, working and mingling, a pulling downwards – it will take some time until I reach the other level, what is fine, I don’t need to know, I have all the time it takes. It cleans.
Now I want to rise, to move. It is still difficult. To the ancestors? Want to go further. The sound was supporting. I am born in the Hölderlin-Clinic. I live on Hölderlin Street.
B: I think there is something common to the mosses, in the Hölderlin story.
F: No embrace by the tangling arms and hands, all reach out for me and want to do something with/to me. I don't want that. “You have to endure this, because it's good for everyone. Help came from a sound from the bowl, I concentrated on it. What kind of sound can this be (purring) - sounds like a dough-kneading machine, pleasant and to move with, so I felt the pain less.
Then, as a baker’s apprentice, standing there by the dough mixer, not wanting to move, because it calmed me. Which made the baker shout at me: “You have to work!” I just couldn’t do anything but standing there and listening. I was completely in my world, it made me calm.
() A fluid, as if I was pushed away, a wall; I couldn't go behind the wall. Strong anger, strong powerlessness.
M: The primeval village was for itself, it was another world, someone grinding corn; the sounds; a vague fear that horsemen might come and slaughter and massacre. But there will be something that will hold me.
When I'm with myself, I don't care what's out there, I'm not afraid.
It's a process: at first there's fear and powerlessness. Later, it doesn't matter and I'm no longer afraid because I'm completely with myself and can finally be as I am. Powerful.
The boundaries between the members are not strong (moss theme). With others, the position is fixed, role and function are fixed; with the mosses positions change, they are not specialised, not fixed. Mosses are not primitive but a kind of primordial state where we all want to go again. Our mind hinders to feel that.
The primal brain has been suppressed. But the cortex is inert if the primal brain is. We must allow the primal brain again. Then the cortex will improve and wisdom can arise. Right now, the cortex is hindered.
With near-death experiences you don't have to talk.
C3/1 und 2: s.o., während Meditation, during meditation
C3/3 – C3/6 Offene Runde, Britta, Susanne, Ursula, Franz
C3/3 F. writes
U. remembers only a sentence from a dream: “Why didn’t you listen to what I always told you?”
Feel welcome by the moss: “Nice, that you are back.”
B:
Light feeling of cheeriness. Calm.
S: Yesterday’s meeting felt good. Also the morning after C1.
B: Good from deep inside, healing from within, through all layers.
S: During the last weeks I felt cut off from my spiritual level. Better since the trituration.
U: It shines from the bowl. Plenty of light.
S: Touched the heart. Opened something.
B: “Good that you understood, that I help people who feel cut off from themselves.”
S: That was my feeling recently. There were extraneous factors.
B: The mind thinks it knows what is right. But the moss brings me back to the heart. Harmonious cooperation. The mind no longer dominates.
U: The book: Don’t bypass your heart. - With the moss, energy flows again. The moss in the bowl laughs, when I say that.
S: During the last weeks, I felt fine whenever real communication took place, not just info about getting-back-to-health-quickly. Whenever someone showed himself, it was fine. The seemingly necessary, that was exhausting.
B: There is a deep allowance to be how I am, who I am. That is so loving and embracing.
S: Hölderlin is right behind me. That touches me. He is grateful for being understood. Through centuries.
F: In the mosses’ perception of time, this is not a big deal.
S: In C1 I had an idea how to leave the three-dimensional world, how to merge time.
B: A force which does not frighten me, it is a good force.
S: Until yesterday, I did not know you, B. and U., but from the first moment on, I felt connected. A deep kind of knowing.
B: The eye of a hurricane.
S: Silence can spread. The eye widens, it can soothe.
B: As if something widens in the chest, a bit to the back, where I tend to feel tense. As if small muscles relax (B. uses for “muscles” a diminutive form, which does not exist in english).
U: The world is so exciting. And it does not affect me. I notice it and think, what’s the point?
No need to connect with all the fussiness.
(F: Thirsty. Take small sips frequently.)
U, B: The material does not clue to the bowl. Everything is scraped, why should I go on scraping?
F: Manageable?
S: It is plenty and light. No shortage.
F: No shortage. Does not need more.
S: Fits. The white colour contains everything/ the whole.
C3/4 (S. writes)So the baker's apprentice does it unknowingly? He can't help it, he experiences threatening stress, he felt bad, an experience of violence. To concentrate on this sound helped him. He felt abused, pressurized. He protected himself by withdrawing to an inner world. In a reflex, he freezes and looks for his tone (F. swaying back and forth like disabled people do). For some people he looks like a weirdo. For those who know him he has a soothing effect, he helps them against their stress.
Instead of excluding these people, we should listen to them.
B: I liked working with disabled people, they were more at heart, and achievement didn't matter.
Like children with Down's syndrome, they live in their world.
F: I think of a patient, for whom I have been looking for a good remedy for 30 years. He is absolutely stubborn, you can't force him to do anything. If he doesn't want to he doesn't leave the bed, he has his own language (his father says: diarrhoea of speech), just babbles, incomprehensible. But he makes beautiful drawings. They are childlike, on one hand, but underneath, you feel a wisdom in the paintings which open your heart. Like his father, he has the power to slow down his mother’s energy and power. In adjusting your speed to his speed, the contact becomes pleasant. He has Down’s syndrome.
B: Sai Baba said, people with mental disabilities would be special souls. He spoke of them with deepest respect. As eternal children they would live from the heart.
C3/5 (B. writing)I have a problem with the eternal child. That would mean that it stayed somewhere behind. "If you do not become like children" - Children still have the connection to this world. "Unless you become like children, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven." It is about the integration of the other.
What has to be healed in
Anomodon attenuatus? If the integration between the two worlds does not succeed. When Hölderlin gets angry because he gets food. The baker's apprentice: he should learn, perhaps to make himself understood by talking. So he would be understood not only by the one who has been with him for years.
Being cut off from the spiritual level. I don't have to defend myself against claims from the outside world. It's anger and resistance, that make you lock yourself up and prevent connection.
What is the problem of F.’s Down-syndrome patient? He does not speak, picks at sores and smears blood on the wall. He has intense itching at the anus, destroys his pants by scratching through them, so needs several new pants a year.
Hölderlin? If he had not had to destroy his own works, which is a sort of autoaggressive behaviour.
Fear and the experience of violence are fundamental, though very subtle.
Hölderlin was lovesick. He was in love with a student, he was very emotional and misunderstood. Political conditions were difficult, loss of freedom in the society. He was in touch with Novalis, Hegel, Fichte.
What has happened early in life, bringing someone to a moss state? Perhaps growing up in a family where a developed mind is not understood properly? Not being taken seriously, being rejected? The lack of understanding is mutual. The outside world does not understand him because of his highly developed consciousness; this may be experienced as traumatic, even violent.
Hölderlin had made a trip to Italy, he was driven away, came back troubled; what happened there is unclear; he never forgot this love, which was a platonic one.
C3/6 (S. writing)(F. thought we did already the 6th round.)
F. That’s typical: I couldn't make myself understood. I said rub/scratch/rub/scratch, but I was not heard.
U: Nice that you understood me, but it's about experiencing it.
S. Curtains... behind the curtain... esoteric knowledge: you have to experience it.
F. What does the moss want to experience? The moss knows it.
Who needs this moss? It is about integration, Oneness, the connection between inside and outside is through heart, love, arms, sound.
St. Matthew Passion/deaf-mutes with the score, serene, childlike cheerfulness - as adults we do not dare. The deaf-mutes probably had their experiences of being regarded as strange lifelong.
Was has to be healed with this moss? Feeling of being misunderstood. Understanding this other level can only be done through heart, not knowledge.
U: With my sister there has always been a lack of understanding. All of a sudden there is love. Love makes connection and relationship possible, even if understanding is still missing.
Does it need trauma? Injury, violence?
This (Anomodon-) person experiences something as injury and violence which is not violent for others. Children who are allowed to do everything and everything is fine. Then someone pricks them and takes their blood. That happens to many, it is regarded as normal. Yet it could be experienced as an act of violence, even if not perceived as such by others. Or it could be emotional violence due to not being perceived persistently.
The problem of this person remains unseen. No one had the intention to harm him. He feels the act as violence. Because he is so different, he is not understood.
Cultural rituals.
Trust is lost that not everything that reminds him of the initial trauma, will still be a trauma.
Lack of understanding can be experienced as violent and threatening. If I always feel wrong and do not have enough inner stability, this could lead to aggressive defense reaction. And if that doesn't work or is not understood, to autoaggressive behaviour or action.
(The following idea is not a genuine experience of this trituration:) A problem could arise from denying your inner wisdom because it has no space and chance of survival.
Discussion:
Empathise to understand
Being connected in silence
If you do not become like the children - the simple childlike state
What has to be healed? Enable the integration of the worlds, understanding.
From disabled to spiritually advanced people
but mutual understanding (with the "ordinary" world) is difficult.
Aggressive defense.
Connection through love and heart.
Addendum:Trituration
Anomodon attenuatus on 27.03.2021 Elisabeth Sehlinger
I look at the moss on a white plate, the beautiful green colour contrasts. It looks quite fresh and it is moist.
I want to smell it, but it takes me a long time to decide. Something stops me. When I finally do, I smell fresh forest soil, but something unpleasant and bitter comes through. I grind a little between my fingers and I smell something completely different. The smell is very unpleasant, difficult to describe, perhaps a bit musty.
What I have ground up now seems so tattered, defensive, resisting. I have the feeling, leave me alone, I want to go back to where I was brought from.
Then I start the trituration.
C1/1
Immediately, as I begin the grinding, I feel a sharp pain in a muscle of my forearm.
I feel sorry for the moss I am triturating, it didn't want to come here after all.
I am listless, I miss the group, I regret sitting here alone.
C1/2
I think I am not a good prover. I'm sure the others can do better.
Then I see a beautiful forest and get a little homesick for it, for the silence and stillness. It's so eerily beautiful there, with gnomes, trolls, deer and foxes and Little Red Riding Hood and the wolf.
C1/3
The moss is already completely grinded, absorbed in the white mass of lactose. I feel I'm doing something unjust with it.
When I scrape it, I feel a bit like Cinderella, sitting alone, scraping and scraping.
C1/4
My mouth gets dry, I feel thirsty
During the grinding, I am overcome by the feeling of enduring, with indifference, because it can't be changed. A concentration camp?
I am somewhat irritable when scraping, when the mass sticks to the bowl.
C1/5
I can't find anything left of the moss. It feels like being erased, there is no identity left.
C1/6
As if the identity is gone, absorbed in the mass. It is not erased, but has permeated everything.
C2/1
Triturating sounds muffled. At the same time it creates a vibration that I feel in the hand with the pestle. And I feel the vibration in my chest and especially in my head, as if there was a stirring inside. It is not unpleasant, it has a lulling, almost hypnotic effect.
C2/2
The sound of the trituration process echoes in my head.
Images of a concentration camp come back. But I am strangely numb and indifferent to it. I go on triturating and just don't care.
Then images of a battlefield with dead and wounded.
C2/3
Images of soldiers returning home. They don't talk, they seem indifferent and uninvolved what is happening. That's exactly how indifferent I feel, no longer living in the here and now.
C2/4
The soldiers don't want to talk. It was so bad, it should not be touched. They just want to be left in peace.
C2/5
I feel so indifferent, I don't want to do anything but sit and grind. Nothing interests me anymore. I am shut off and in a state of complete numbness, completely aloof from life.
C2/6
I feel dull and empty.
C3/1
I hear the echo of the grinding in my arm. It irritates me completely that I hear something I should feel.
C3/2
I am preoccupied with the sound I hear in my arm.
C3/3
I feel a bit more alive again, more interested in life. Become more confident again that there is something else in life than triturating.
C3/4
I feel I am back to life.
C3/5
It's late and I feel a bit tired, but not at all exhausted.
As if a great force is emanating from the white substance.
C3/6
I am quite joyful and content, glad to be free of the infinite indifference.
It amazes me that now, after 3 ½ hours of trituration, I feel quite fresh.
C4/ Susanne 25.4.2021I sit upright and respire deeply. I am one with the moss on the tree. Small insects crawl on me – a small world we share.
A baby lying on its mother’s belly. Skin to skin, they look into each other’s eyes. The mother understand her child’s babble. They have their language. The child’s father enters the room, shakes his head in ignorance. He reminds his wife of times for feeding and sleeping. Mother and child refuse being disturbed. The father leaves the room, shaking his head. Being father and husband, there is a connection to his wife and child, but not deep enough to reach the mother-child-bond.
The problem in people needing this moss could be: two different worlds, which cannot open towards each other. Like living on different planets. Like two persons speaking different languages. What if their gestures, facial expressions, habits and the whole nonverbal conversation differs, too? Will there be a bridge?
It will be touch.
Lost in translation; east-Asian culture is not one of touching each other.
What if we cease touching each other?
I see a bridge between two countries or even continents, so long that their ends are hardly visible. It is fixed on these two continents only. I see a lonesome wanderer on the bridge, and now it lifts, hovers. Will it be possible to fly over? Would that be a connection? A superficial one, maybe. But a real understanding?
You will come to know a country only by touching it. Just looking at it might induce incomprehension. You see in someone else what you want to see – that is projection.
Touch the other and let yourself be touched. Your will be surprised. The surprise can be uncomfortable, strange. Even stranger than something we just see.
The mother understands the baby by touching it, skin to skin. The babbling would be incomprehensible, as well as just regarding. Now I see the father taking his child on his naked chest.
In that very moment they are together and understand each other. The skin does not lie.
If you want to manipulate, you better forbid touching. A touch opens the other one’s borders. Yet a careful touch does not intrude. A heedless touch would augment the defence of the borders.
Touch is the most direct and authentic form of communication.
I remember patients with whom touching them changed our relationship. Something surprising and unexpected happened. It either deepened our understanding, even made it possible or this touch made me cautious.
Someone is very nice during talk, but I do not want to touch him. Another one becomes likeable through touching him. Touch changes understanding – it makes you aware of something or clarifies a relationship.
Dealing with different worlds can be successful in several ways:
- Just accept the strange world, with a shrug.
- Let the world be as it is and look what your acceptance will enable (Baker and his apprentice)
- Start to understand by touching.
Now I understand the images of arms and the human chain (like I. noted: open arms, like a chain formed by women, embracing the world’s misery – the heart chakra is wide open.)
Touching each other for understanding, encounter, acceptance. Touching instead of intruding – this would create something new. Like a child results from an intrusion.
A moss stands close to other mosses without intruding them. Do they touch each other, understand each other?
To be close without touching can be annoying. Can disturb my world because it is too close. But without touching, there will be no understanding, which would lead to a next step of approaching or discarding. This would be closeness without clarifying touch, just listening, watching, smelling without real touch. Noises I don’t understand are just disturbing. Smells and images which do not arouse interest are not even strange, because they do not touch emotionally. It is getting out of the way, avoiding each other. “This has nothing to do with me”, “it does not touch me”, “it’s annoying”.
To regard something as strange requires that it has touched me, in some way.
A patient who does not evoke emotions in me, I do not understand him, he does not touch me. This way, his inner world remains unknown to me. There will be no real communication, even if I understand his words. I might realize, that he is annoyed by my questions, for they do not touch his world. I could notice that I am not empathizing. Just a (internal) helpless shrug, I do not find an access, no bridge. Collecting symptoms, which feels superficial. He stays like a country seen from above. Realizing the country’s structure, it stays empty.
I sit in a shell, in a plane, like in front of a TV. Seeing this patient in front of me, I do not feel anything. Should I touch him, mindfully, carefully? Let me take by surprise what will happen?
Diskussion über Anomodon attenuatus am 25.4.2021Britta, Susanne, Ursula, Franz
What belongs to mosses in general and what is characteristic for
Anomodon attenuatus?
Acting quietly in your own world is typical for
Anomodon attenuatusAs soon as you have found your world, you feel calm and you are quiet within yourself. Like Hölderlin/Scardanelli, like the two deaf-mutes, like the baker’s apprentice and, last but not least, our own experience with triturating this moss: “It brings me to myself, out of everyday life, I am allowed to just sit here and join this moss. It leads me to what could be the essence of me. Just be. No need to perform.”
I do not feel the need to leave my world, I want to stay in it, pertinaciously. In tune with myself.
(Autistic persons, people with dementia – if they enjoy being in their world and refuse to leave it. Can fit wise men and women, too, as B. experienced in the trituration of
Anomodon viticulosus.)
View from outsideThis internal calmness and the pertinacity to stay in the own world might look different from outside. The repertory could say “contradictory”: Help is offered, yet denied. “Don’t understand this guy,
can’t help him” could be the feeling of the practitioner or someone else observing from outside, shaking the head or being indifferent.
About the Little Match Girl: “I don’t want her to die, that’s nonsense.” You shake your head, you think you have to save her, “just eat your soup, that will save you”. How would I feel? You shake your head or shrug, “I don’t get it.”
Only when you’re touched by this person, deeply touched, you will understand.
Reaction to intervention from outsideAnger and aggression arise when someone tries to tear him out of his world. “Just want to help.”
But that is experienced as an assault. Withdrawal will be the reaction, at any cost, even if it ends in death.
How can we come nearer to such a person?
In C4: it requires touch – open the heart and sympathy. Yet, touching this person physically can change to the opposite: the person who was quite likeable before you touched him, is no longer then – vice versa. Deep empathy is required, to bridge the gap between the different feelings inside/outside.
Suggestion for a code in Plant Theory333 – relations are the background of all issues. No attempt is made to take care of oneself.
Phase 7Being excluded is a general theme in mosses. In
Anomodon attenuatus exclusion felt extreme, so we suggest ph 7. In addition, this phase can be seen in the
Spectrum article on this remedy. War and abuse were topics in the cases.
Subphase 4The pertinacity to stay in the own action and being, reflects inflexibility remarkably. Being out of society (7) makes calm and feels stable (4).
Stage 17?Hard to say. Death as the last consequence to maintain stability in being an extreme outsider, is accepted as the last exit.
Self destruction (see: Little Match Girl).
Remedy code: 3-333.74.17Physicals
Feeling cold was a topic in all of us.
Muscles hurt, like in
Anomodon viticulosus; here also joint pains.
Sensory perception.Noises made uneasy or calmed down. Sounds were felt as comfortable or even saving. So, noises may aggravate or ameliorate. Like
Touch, see above.
“I hear something which I should feel, basically” is another hint for special experience of senses. (In moss patients with difficult communication on a verbal basis, this could be important.)
More physicalsGoose skin right arm and leg.
Joint pains, shoulder pain.
cold thigh.
drawing sensation right maxillary sinus.
head pain forehead.
bleedings female genitals.
low back pain.
thirst for small quantities.
SummaryMind
Inside and outside world.
In own cosmos; outside world is cut off.
Separation between outer and inner world.
Dislocated from the dimension of the world in its own inner cosmos.
The inner world feels something that the outer world does not understand,
or that is far ahead of the outer world in terms of consciousness.
The mundane world seems unimportant.
Lack of understanding of the others‘ world.
Cut off from the outside world, feels misunderstood, even by friends.
Protection from the outside world.
Misunderstood.
Sadness of not being understood.
Sadness that others do not recognize what I recognize.
Lack of understanding for my more developed consciousness.
Lack of understanding can be experienced as violence.
Anger because one feels misunderstood.
Lack of understanding of the other world.
Feeling misunderstood, even by friends.
Slowed down, disabled.
Down syndrome.
Development slowed down, feels under pressure because of it.
Wise inner world.
A wise inner world; blissful beyond knowledge and everyday concerns.
I imagine leaving the shell of space and time.
All just one place and at the same time infinite places nested within each other
Depth, calmness, wisdom, enlightenment.
Perfect state of being.
Light, serene.
Connectedness on the same spiritual level of consciousness.
Boundary between life and death dissolves, is transparent.
Leaving the three-dimensional world.
Parallel worlds.
Young children of great wisdom.
Primal, wise, understanding without language.
Time.
Everything should be done in its time.
No sense of time.
Sensitive to noise and disturbance.
Sensitive to noise.
Needs earplugs, otherwise she gets lost.
Totally annoyed by any disturbance.
Hardly able to stand interference from the outside world, like demands, examinations or noises.
Child.Childlike.
Child who cannot be separated from the mother.
If you do not become like the children.
Children's songs.
Fairy tale (The Littel Match Girl).
Thumbelina.
Little dragon.
Feel.No understanding, just feeling.
Only feeling.
Letting go, die.The Little Match Girl.
Letting go of what wants to go, wants to die.
At first you don't want to let go, but to save; want to save without feeling what the other person really needs.
Actionism in a death situation.
Schizophrenia.Hölderlin – Scardanelli.
Connected - separated.Feeling separated from oneself.
Being connected.
At first separated, then a connection will arise.
Connection between heart and mind.
Reconciliation of the sexes.
Security, good protection.The moss is nice, it gives shelter and rest in itself.
Security and protection.
In peace with oneself without feeling obliged to do anything.
Anger, aggression, violence.Angry, violent about the fact that one's own world has no space.
Autoaggression.
Scardanelli's anger.
Experience of violence: others are encroaching, pressurize,
as a reaction: withdrawal into the inner world.
Frugal, modest, small and weak.
(weak in a good sense).
Great power, unexpected power.
Phoenix from the ashes.
Great silence.
It was an incredible silence.
Great connectedness in the silence.
SolutionIntegration of two worlds; to make yourself understood; the experience of being understood; connection between outside and inside; connection between the spiritual and the mundane.
Connection through heart, not knowledge; only then simple being is allowed to grow: I am as I am, and as I am allowed to be.
To understand a moss, you have to enter its world. Otherwise, it shuts itself off. Such a world can be the one of a lunatic, of someone with dementia, of a disabled person or of someone extraordinary spiritual. It might also be the world of someone who is about to leave this world, who is about to die.